| Jokes/Humour Think something is funny? Put it in here for everyone to laugh at. |
09-06-2005, 10:01 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Personal Joke Collection
Hey guyz.. im hopeing that this thread will stay spam free, coz i got loads of jokes comming up...
Check these sites for now.
Happy Tree Friends
Cyber lol
plenty more to come, 
Enjoy.
|
09-06-2005, 10:02 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
At the gate to heaven
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack."
The gate keeper said, "Wow, that's horrible." Then he asked the second man how he died.
He replied, "Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me."
"That, too, is horrible," said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..."
|
09-06-2005, 10:03 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Farmer and his 3 daughters
An old farmer was out in the field working the ground. By and by a young man comes walking up to him. "Hi sir, my name is Jim and I have stopped by to pick-up Lynn we have plans to go for a swim," he says.
"Yeah, yeah, go about your day. Just don't touch her and have her home for supper," the farmer says.
Then he's out at the barn cleaning stalls, and another young man shows himself and tells the farmer, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and we are going to a picture show."
"Fine with me," the farmer says, "just have her in at a good time."
Then the farmer is in the garden when yet another young man shows up. "Hi, my name is Chuck----"
The farmer cuts him short and tells him to get the HELL out of here.
|
09-06-2005, 10:04 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
The condom
In the morning at the local church the priest goes up to a group of young and old nuns.
"Nuns, last night a man broke in," said the priest. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"And he slept on that couch, " the priest continued. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"We found a condom wrapper on the floor," said the priest. All the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"We also found the condom on the couch," declared the priest. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"And it was broken," said the priest. All of the nuns went heeheehee except for one that gasped.
|
09-06-2005, 10:05 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Hearing Problem
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
|
09-06-2005, 10:06 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Hungry Monkey
A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows. The bartender says, "Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?" "What?" asked the man. "He stuck ate my billiard ball!" The man apologized to the men playing pool and payed the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out. A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender said, "Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?" The man said, "Yeah, I know, he measures it now!"
|
09-06-2005, 10:07 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Desert Island Couple
Following a tragic boating accident, a husband and wife were washed ashore on a deserted island, where they lived in relative peace for several years.
One morning, following a horrific storm, they discovered a man washed up on their beach. The woman and the newcomer were immediately attracted to one another, a fact of which the husband was unaware.
The husband was delighted that they had a new person on the island. He explained to the newcomer, "This is great! Now instead of having to have 12-hour shifts in the lookout tree for boats, we only have to do 8 hours each!"
The newcomer offered, as a gesture of good will, to take the first shift that day. He climbed up to the top of the lookout tree, scanning the horizon for boats.
Meanwhile, the couple worked together arranging the pile of wood for the evening fire. The newcomer yelled down from the tree "Hey! Do you mind!?? No screwing!!"
The surprised couple looked at each other and yelled back, "We're not screwing!"
A few hours later, the couple was working together repairing the roof of their hut when again the newcomer yelled down, "YOU GUYS!!! NO SCREWING!!!!!"
Again they looked bewildered and yelled back up to him, "We're NOT screwing!!!"
Shortly thereafter, while the couple was cleaning the fish for dinner, the newcomer yelled down again, "Would you two give it a break! NO SCREWING!!!"
Again the couple yelled back, "For the last time, WE ARE NOT SCREWING!!"
The newcomer's shift ended and he climbed down from the tree. Before the husband was 3/4 the way up the tree for his shift, the newcomer and the wife were all over each other, going at it on the beach.
The husband reached the top of the tree, looked down and saw them.
"Son of a gun! From up here it DOES look like screwing!!"
|
11-06-2005, 05:26 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Guess my age
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
|
11-06-2005, 05:27 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Whiskey
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender give me 40 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "What's the matter?" The guy answers, "I just found out my son's gay."
He walks in the next day and says, "Bartender give me 50 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Now what's the matter?" He replies, "Just found out my other son is gay."
He walks in the next day and says "Bartender, give me 70 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, my wife."
|
11-06-2005, 05:27 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Free Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
|
11-06-2005, 05:30 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
|
11-06-2005, 05:33 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
A Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
|
11-06-2005, 05:34 PM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
Naked Accident
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.
When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"
She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"
|
12-06-2005, 03:13 AM
|
|
|
|
Ride: VN Berlina 91
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
|
|
|
| |
