Personal Joke Collection
Hey guyz.. im hopeing that this thread will stay spam free, coz i got loads of jokes comming up...
Check these sites for now.
Happy Tree Friends
Cyber lol
plenty more to come,
Enjoy.
At the gate to heaven
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack."
The gate keeper said, "Wow, that's horrible." Then he asked the second man how he died.
He replied, "Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me."
"That, too, is horrible," said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, "OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator..."
Farmer and his 3 daughters
An old farmer was out in the field working the ground. By and by a young man comes walking up to him. "Hi sir, my name is Jim and I have stopped by to pick-up Lynn we have plans to go for a swim," he says.
"Yeah, yeah, go about your day. Just don't touch her and have her home for supper," the farmer says.
Then he's out at the barn cleaning stalls, and another young man shows himself and tells the farmer, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and we are going to a picture show."
"Fine with me," the farmer says, "just have her in at a good time."
Then the farmer is in the garden when yet another young man shows up. "Hi, my name is Chuck----"
The farmer cuts him short and tells him to get the HELL out of here.
The condom
In the morning at the local church the priest goes up to a group of young and old nuns.
"Nuns, last night a man broke in," said the priest. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"And he slept on that couch, " the priest continued. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"We found a condom wrapper on the floor," said the priest. All the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"We also found the condom on the couch," declared the priest. All of the nuns gasped except for one that went heeheehee.
"And it was broken," said the priest. All of the nuns went heeheehee except for one that gasped.
Hearing Problem
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Hungry Monkey
A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows. The bartender says, "Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?" "What?" asked the man. "He stuck ate my billiard ball!" The man apologized to the men playing pool and payed the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out. A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender said, "Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?" The man said, "Yeah, I know, he measures it now!"
Desert Island Couple
Following a tragic boating accident, a husband and wife were washed ashore on a deserted island, where they lived in relative peace for several years.
One morning, following a horrific storm, they discovered a man washed up on their beach. The woman and the newcomer were immediately attracted to one another, a fact of which the husband was unaware.
The husband was delighted that they had a new person on the island. He explained to the newcomer, "This is great! Now instead of having to have 12-hour shifts in the lookout tree for boats, we only have to do 8 hours each!"
The newcomer offered, as a gesture of good will, to take the first shift that day. He climbed up to the top of the lookout tree, scanning the horizon for boats.
Meanwhile, the couple worked together arranging the pile of wood for the evening fire. The newcomer yelled down from the tree "Hey! Do you mind!?? No screwing!!"
The surprised couple looked at each other and yelled back, "We're not screwing!"
A few hours later, the couple was working together repairing the roof of their hut when again the newcomer yelled down, "YOU GUYS!!! NO SCREWING!!!!!"
Again they looked bewildered and yelled back up to him, "We're NOT screwing!!!"
Shortly thereafter, while the couple was cleaning the fish for dinner, the newcomer yelled down again, "Would you two give it a break! NO SCREWING!!!"
Again the couple yelled back, "For the last time, WE ARE NOT SCREWING!!"
The newcomer's shift ended and he climbed down from the tree. Before the husband was 3/4 the way up the tree for his shift, the newcomer and the wife were all over each other, going at it on the beach.
The husband reached the top of the tree, looked down and saw them.
"Son of a gun! From up here it DOES look like screwing!!"
Guess my age
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
Whiskey
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender give me 40 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "What's the matter?" The guy answers, "I just found out my son's gay."
He walks in the next day and says, "Bartender give me 50 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Now what's the matter?" He replies, "Just found out my other son is gay."
He walks in the next day and says "Bartender, give me 70 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, my wife."
Free Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Naked Accident
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.
When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"
She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"
Have You Found Jesus?
A drunk stumbles along a Sunday afternoon baptismal service down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk, and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"No, I didn't!" replies the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, then brings him out of the water and asks in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
ok these are just some random things that are... well ill just put it down and you do the thinkin.
-If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
-Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
-Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
A Compliment
A woman looking in the mirror says to her husband I'm fat and ugly pay me a compliment.
He says your eyesight is excellent
Did You Know?
1 It is impossible to lick your elbow.
2 A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
3 A shrimp's heart is in its head.
4 In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
5 It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
6 A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
7 More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
8 Horses can't vomit.
9 The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
10 If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
11 Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
12 Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
13 If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
14 In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
15 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
16 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
17 Most lipstick contains fish scales.
18 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
19 Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Marriage
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: "Rothmans." So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Ecotec just kicked in yo
Omg, i love that one!
Originally Posted by som
Whiskey
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender give me 40 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "What's the matter?" The guy answers, "I just found out my son's gay."
He walks in the next day and says, "Bartender give me 50 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Now what's the matter?" He replies, "Just found out my other son is gay."
He walks in the next day and says "Bartender, give me 70 shots of whiskey." The bartender says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, my wife."
If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth over
again in 2000, He would be wanted by...
the FDA and the BATF for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves,
for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
the OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and
for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,
the NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice
on how to live a guilt-free life,
the NOW for not choosing a woman apostle,
the ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever
harms children, it is better that they had never been born,
the INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other
religions,
and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a
permit.
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