Favourite Jokes
Thought I'd start a thread were we could put all our favourite jokes into. Saves making lots of single threads. Thought this could be like the Bad Jokes thread.
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
Aussie Mateship
One night the wife didn't come home. She arrives in the morning and the husband asks where she had been, she tells him that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 7 best friends. All of them said that she didn't come over last night.
....a week later...
The husband doesn’t come home one night. The following day the wife asks where he had been, he calmly replies that he had slept at a mate’s place, a few of the boys came round, and they had a couple beers. He was thinking of his safety and thought it was better not to drive home that night. The wife calls her husband's 7 best mates. Five of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Last edited by Deutscher; 17-12-2010 at 07:03 PM.
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
Thats Dr to you.....
One I told my old man - he wasn't amused.
How much does a German pay for a haircut?
6 euros, 1 for each side.
Boxhead hahaha.
Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument
Whoa, time out. Football is on.
Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
You are so cute when you get mad.
You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.
Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
A Letter from Men to Women
To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
- If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
HSV, i just want one
Q. What is the difference between an indian with a red dot on his forehead and an indian with a turban?
A. The one with the dot is a push start and the other is a pull start.
Sticking a Chev badge on any Commodore is like putting a Nissan badge on a VL
EOI....VE SS 18" wheels x4 with 5000k's on new tread, 2 of have very minimal gutter rash (previous owner) otherwise like new send me a pm if interested.
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".
Elton starts crying!
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head wont fit through the railings"
Driving a fast honda is like coming out of the closet, You'll surprise a lot of people, but in the end you're still gay
The ones with the turbans aren't indians.Originally Posted by Escape-The-Fate
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
spongiform encephalopathy
^^ thats freaking gold! must try that
HAHAHA sick one!!
Dad at the food court:
I took my dad shopping the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man,
never done anything wild In your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and f **ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were
my son.'
Easily the best joke in a while :-
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
Q:Why did the woman cross the road?
A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
--------------
Q.What kind of bees make milk?
A:Boobies
-------------
Why are women like parking spaces ?
Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.
-------------
Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.........
-----------
Deck: Alpine 9887
Speakers: Hertz HSK165 XL
Amps: Audison SRx2, SRx4 & Alpine M350
Subs: 2x Alpine 10" Type S
Nurses do it better.
One I tell to the kids before we give em the gas in theatre...
What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Snowballs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deutscher
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
thats ****in gold.
hahaha I actualled laughed out loud at this one
volunteer firefighter
A man goes to the Doctor.......'so what's the problem' asks the Doc....
'it's my arse' says the man......'it's making strange noises...listen!.....good old Collingwood forever, they know how to play the game.......'
'it's nothing to worry about' says the Doc.....'you'll find a lot of arseholes who sing that...'
dont worry, il start a ride thread soon.
or something like that
Super Clicker v2.0 Champion!
Hahaha, ow. That's funny punk.
signature was inappropriate and has been removed.
workaholic
How come when your wife`s pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations !
But none of them rub your C*#k and say well done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hsv pump it dosnt go like that.the better version is.
A woman goes to the Doctor.......'so what's the problem' asks the Doc....
every time i open my legs my pussy sings...good old Collingwood forever, they know how to play the game.......'
doc says dont worry every **** sings that song.
Carpark Mechanic.....
Husband is driving along and hits his wife witht he car, who's fault is it..
the mans, there is no road in the kitchen
--------------
your wife is watching TV in the lounge room, what do you do.
go to the kitchen, shorten the chain.. lol
[09-01, 22:47] HoZy: VKC doesnt finger, He fists... Because Ranga
The Cult Of Personality
Q: How many men does it take to change a lightglobe?
A: None, let the b**ch cook in the dark.
Harsh I know, my year 12 Tutor told me that...along with a couple others already mentioned, never forgot it
A man walks out of an antique shop carrying a grandfather clock. A drunk comes stumbling along and bumps into the man, the grandfather clock smashes to never be fixed.
The guy says why dont you watch where your going, the drunk says why dont u have a wrist watch like everyone else!
Husband and wife arrive in heaven and the wife says to hubby here we are together again!! hubby says F...K that sh..t the deal was till death do us apart im F..KN single!!
They finanly arrested the serial sodonmiser!! so you can stop sleeping on your stomach with the window open its not gunna happen!
Men are like nappy,s full of crap and hard to change..women and like shrimp a head full of crap but there pink bits are delicious!
Floor it and swerve driving skool
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