A guy walks into a bar......

[Commodore_Chick]

Heres another one

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world".
Everyone at the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cant play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet owner coughs up the $50.
Then Jim, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae play it ?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it ?, I'm going to f**k it as soon as I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off".

[cdsam]

A husband & wife land on earth from Mars, and are met by a earth husband & wife. After the usual greetings, the earth mans asks the chap from Mars if they have shares & stock markets up in Mars, Yes replies the Mars chap just like you fellas down here, then the earth woman asks what about sex, yes the same as you earth people he says, well how about we swap partners tonight and check it out. So they all agreed and that night the guy from Mars gets undressed & the earth woman see's this tiny wee pecker & laughs, Bloody hell you wont do much with that little thing she laughs, no problem says the Mars man & he startspunching his nose & his willy gets longer & longer, not bad says the earth woman but it's still to skinny, no problem says the Mars man & he starts tapping his cheek and fatter & fatter his willy gets, well the size puts a smile on the earth woman & away they go. The next morning she meets her husband & he ask her how lastnight went, Wonderful she says how about you? Bloody strange them Mars woman all night she puched my nose & slapped my face.