just a few random ones

[ProMaX]

thought i'd contribute to the jokes seeing as though i love em so... here's a few lame ones to start off with...
whats red and looks like a bucket? a red bucket
whats green and looks like a bucket? a red bucket in disguise
whats brown and sticky? a stick
whats big, brown and sticky? a bigger stick
how do you get a 1 armed irisman out of a tree? wave at him
why did promax fall off his bike? cus someone threw a fridge at him.
why did the plane crash? cus the pilot was a loaf of bread.
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What? said the puzzled groom.
"How can thats be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just could't get the system up
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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A singer goes up to a talent agency and says
Singer: Hey, I've got this great new talent
Dude: What is it!
Singer: I can sing through my ass!
Dude: WOW! Can you show me!
SO the singer pulls down his pants, bends over and shits all over the dudes desk
Dude: WTF!!??!!
Singer: I was clearing my throat.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie. The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
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A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole wenton strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do

[ProMaX]

Hell for all.

Ok, 3 guys are sent to hell. A pimp, an alcoholic and a hippy.
On the way to hell a tour guide tells them their worst sins(the reason they are going to hell.

When they arrive in hell, satan appears before them.

He says, each of you tell me the reason you are here.

So the Alcoholic goes, it's the alco man, I can't keep away from the shit, it's just so awesome. Satan goes to him, ok, into that room for 100 years you go *The alcoholic gets locked into a room of limitless supplies of alcohol for 100years*. The Pimp says, it's the chicks bro, can't keep away from them, the sex is just so ****in' great. So he gets the same deal, locked in a room of perfect virgins wanting sex for 100 years.
The hippy goes, it's the weed man, i love it man. So he gets locked in a room of feilds of 10ft high icky sticky pot, the best there ever was for 100 years.

100 years later, satan returns, first out is the drunk man
satan asks him if he learned his lesson. He stumbles out, covered in shit, piss and pulke saying "i'm reformed man, i never wanna see another ****in' alcoholic drink as long as i'm dead..". So satan send him to heaven.

Second, out comes the pimp.
Satan asks him if he wants sex. He comes running out screaming "I'm ****ing gay man, just get them the **** away from me".
So satan sends him to heaven.

Thirdly, he unlocks door 3, the hippy.
But instead of being like the other 3 the hippy is still just sitting there where he left him. And Satan just sees him shed one tear.
And satan asks him, What's wrong mate?
The hippy responds with desperation : "Have ya got a light man?".
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whats pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

Whats blue and fluffy?
pink fluff being strangled

[Patrio7]

whats goes black white black off white black grey black black

a paraplegic nun in a house fire
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what do you get when you turn a blone upside down?

a brunette with bad beath
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how do you even up a fight with a leb?

take away his phone
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how many normal people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two but they have to be damn small to fit in the bulb
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[ProMaX]

-BUMP-
These r good jokes!