Post your Sexist Jokes!!

[wickann15]

What blokes really mean when they say:-

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much= I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next








Plus a few more jokes-

Want to hear a funny joke?
Womens Rights


Why can't women drive?
Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything

What is the difference between a woman and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why do women not offer sex all the time?
Because there's no pay involved.

Why aren't women's genius fully appreciated?
Because they fail to offer themselves to us.

What's the difference between our appreciation of men, and women?
There's actually a demand for the women.

How do you know you're truly gay?
Because you have the average male sex drive, and expect to satisfy it.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead just bought bought a car. Which one drives it first?
None, they're all in the kitchen.

Whats does your wife and a condom have in common?
They both spend 99% of their time in your wallet

[LordDingustine]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[brodiewilson]

how many men does it take to open a beer?
none it should be open when she brings it to you.

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

[Verynice]

lol lots of kitchen jokes incoming

[theperthvan]

What do 300 abused women have in common?



They don't listen.

[ryno_vrx]

1234567890

[ryno_vrx]

I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's c%ck for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.
Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

[Demonica]

A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush boulders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a Ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman. She then said thank you.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time

[ari666]

why do women wear white to their weddings?
all kitchen appliances are white.

what is the difference between a freezer and a women?
freezer doesnt fart when you pull the meat out.

what do fridges and women have in common?
they both leak when they're f..ked

i got more but am afraid.

[NVMYVT]

why are womens feet shorter than mens??

so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

[Ace_VP]

Whats yellow and does the dishes?

She is my wife and I will paint her what ever colour I want.

[wickann15]

BEING A GUY IS TOPS BECAUSE...


Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

The garage is all yours.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a f**k if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Same job .... . more pay.

The world is your urinal

[VKCOMMO]

The world is your urinal

****ING WIN!!!


What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice

[Julie]

What do you call the useless piece of skin hanging off a penis?


....The man

[*uwishn*]

lmao some gold ones there.

[s_ikari2015]

Why are women so terrible at parking?

Because men keep telling them that this |..| is six inches!

[Demonica]

LMAO ^^^^^ Gold!


What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay!

Why have men made such a mess of this world?
They're waiting for women to pick up after them.

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A widower.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows, they never get the house.

[Kikki]

Ahh too many good ones!

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why is a male like an Asian changing lanes?
They both never check to see who's coming first before pulling out.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

Whats a woman's idea of foreplay?
Him doing the dishes.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.

[Fitzy09]

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why are womens feet shorter than mens?
so they ca stand closer to the oven

What if God's a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.


A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank **** for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

[s_ikari2015]

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

ROFL Love it!

[White Tiger]

If a women is crushed by a tree in the forest...



what the f**k is the forest doing in the kitchen?

[brandon17]

why'd the woman cross the road?

who cares, why wasnt she in the kitchen?

[fuzzy2308]

most of theese are crap but im bored
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.


Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her wa...y back, don't #### her."



A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'


Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

how many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? 356.. 1 to hold the lightbulb, 355 to rotate the house

[VTLS1]

one for the blokes:

what the difference between a woman & a dog?
a woman can bury a bone without getting her nose dirty

& one for the ladies:

what has a rubiks cube & a penis got in common?
the more you play with them the harder they get

+ a bonus one:

why are most drug addicts lesbians?
cause they the love the "crack"

[stickym]

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."