Dont play with tazers
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative??
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!
That cat is so lucky, cause it definitely would have been my first pick.
bahahahahahaha! made my day, best post ever! haha
I'm glad you didn't zap the pussy with it. The wife would have been very cross.
As for the plums ol' son, give 'em time they'll come back. Ask your wife (on one of her good nights) to help search for them i'm sure she'll be up for it...
Last edited by mwb235; 29-01-2011 at 06:11 PM.
white trash hillbillie
post a link to where i can buy one please! it would make for an awesome party trick if u used it on the annoying loudmouth at the party who everyone hates!
Originally Posted by UFO
High Ambitions, Low Funds
You could've saved yourself minutes of your life and a lot of pain if you would've just tazed the cat.
"Race car driving is like sex - all men think they're good at it"
-Jay Leno
REPOST MUCH? but still funny!!!
//There Ain't No Rest For The Wicked...
mee too....
vyma100
I had a mate bring his around a few weeks ago. it was a torch, looked like a torch acted like a torch with two distinctive metal prongs at the end of it where the lens is.
I took 2 AA batteries to run the torch, and 12hrs on AC charge to charge up the extra batteries.
this thing is a 4,000,000volt 2.0amp stunner. Any way using the torch we found a toad. got up behind it and hit the button. There was no crack crack crack like there is when you simply hit the button, it was an almighty zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZAP. the toad puffed up. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zZAP. toad is pissing out puss. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZAP. toad is dead. #### trying it out on yourself but.
He got it for $14 from China and managed to get it via post through customs the lucky bastard
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Donati..Whoa Green
Might want to recheck those figures. Your mate has a 8,000,000w taser, or 8-megawatts.
-Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
-Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
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vyma100
didn't mention 8????
here is the link he sent me
$13.79 Free Ship Rechargeable 4.0 Million Volt Mini Stun Gun with LED Flashlight US Plug - Wholesale US$12.83
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Donati..Whoa Green
You didn't mention watts which was what I was quoting. "this thing is a 4,000,000volt 2.0amp stunner" , watts equal volts times amps, so 4000000 x 2 = 8000000w
-Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
-Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
-Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short Phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)
vyma100
ahhhh. well you can see which one of us knows about electrics and which one doesn't.
so is 8000000watts a far bit for one of these things?
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Need your computer tuned, or dash calibrated??? Want your PS3 fixed, or wish to prevent the YLOD?
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