Harry wants a promotion in school...
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
loooooooooool thats hell funny
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
I say, I say, I say. Have you heard the one about the three kinds of people in the world? Those who can count and those that can't.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping.
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.
In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"
Sex Ed.
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
What's your name
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, " Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says.
"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry", she says.
"I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
registered lunatic
heard it before but a classic
Well as I'm always told:
Thats a matter of opinion, and your opinion doesn't matter!
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