My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”



My new wig arrived the other day. It’s made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.



I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt



Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.



Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.