Grandpa and the Taxation Office

[Dayvo]

The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to
the Taxation Office.

The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his solicitor.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[DAKSTER]

An old lady walks into a bank, and asks to see the manager. She has ten grand in a briefcase, and wants to open an account. When asked where she got the money, she says she is psychic. She makes bets based on what she 'sees', and is nearly always right.
"That's amazing" he says. "Give me an example?"
"Sure" she says. "I can sense that one of your testicles is squarish, and the other nearly ovoid. Bet you didn't think anyone would ever know that!"
He smiles at her. "Sorry, in this case you are wrong. My testicles are perfectly normal."
"How do you know?" she replies. "Have you ever really examined them? I bet you are wrong, not me."
"OK" he says, looking at her briefcase full of cash.. "10 grand? " not really expecting her to accept the bet.
"Sure" she says. "I am going to want a witness though, a lot of cash at stake here. Can I bring my lawyer in and we can check with a witness?"
Suddenly the bank manager realises he is going to have to show this old woman, and her lawyer, his nuts. He thinks twice, looks at the cash and thinks "wtf ok lets do it."
They make an appointment for the next morning. The banker spends most of that night closely examining his nuts, just making sure.
The old woman arrives with a lawyer the next morning. "OK" she says "lets check em out." The banker drops his pants, and the old lady looks intently.
"Hmmm" she says.. "they do look normal. I don't understand, I am not usually wrong. Mind if I just feel em for a second?"
The banker smiles, he knows he has won. "Sure" he grins "go for it."
She cups his nuts in her hand, gives a gentle squeeze, moves them around for a minute and stands up. The lawyer groans.
"Nope, I was wrong" she says. "Your testicles are perfectly normal. You can keep the 10 grand."
She turns to the lawyer and says.. "OK, pay up."
The lawyer says... "I'd like to deposit 100 grand in cash into this ladies account please."
"Huh?" says the banker.. "why?"

"She bet me yesterday morning that with just 10 grand for bait, she could have the balls of any bank manager in town in her hands within 24 hrs...."

Dont Mess With Old People

[DAKSTER]

Had a disagreement with a cabbie in Darwin, absolute a-hole he was. One main rank in the CBD, one main company, all the cabbies know each other.

A few months later, I was in the CBD late at night. I saw the cabbie I hated in the queue, about 6 cabs back from the front cab.

I went to the first cab in line, and said to the guy.. hey I don't have cash, but if you take me home I will let you (ummmm how to put this politely...) perform oral sex on me.
Of course.. he told me to !@#$ off !

So I went to the next cab, said the same thing, and got the same response.

I worked my way down the line, asking each cabbie the same question, till I got to the cabbie I hated. Stuck my head in the window.. he didn't remember me. Asked him how much it would cost to take me home. Agreed on the price.

I got in the cab, and we drove off.. past the previous 5 cabs I had approached. I smiled and gave them the thumbs up as we drove past...

Don't Mess With Old People