Aunty Maude
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher."
Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chooks for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks, and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. .. ..
" Ernie , do you have a story to share?"
"Yes." My dad told me this story about my Aunty Maude
Aunty Maude was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War, and her
plane got hit She she had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break . and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Goodheavens," said the horrified teacher
"what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Maude when she's been on the ****."
__________________
Very funny Scotty. Now "beam" me up my clothes 
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