A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink also. He replied in disgust. 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?' Paddy replies 'I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!!!

Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lays on the bed spreadeagled and says 'You know what I want don't you?' 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!'

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'What’s his name?' Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the shit out of you if I could swim!'