the sh1t list
THE GHOST ****
The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** on the toilet paper, but there's no **** in the bowl.
THE CLEAN ****
The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** in the bowl, but there's no **** on the toilet paper.
THE WET ****
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE ****
This **** happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to **** some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE ****
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead ****". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN ****
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG ****
The kind of **** that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER ****
The kind of **** you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD ****" ****
The kind where you want to ****, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS ****
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID ****
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD ****
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This **** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This **** occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This **** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS ****
A **** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK ****
This **** has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" ****
This is any **** created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A **** so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this **** has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A **** which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM ****
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO ****
Now you see it, now you don't. This **** is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A **** that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to **** (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near ****ting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny **** which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC ****
This **** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "Drinker's ****."
THE BACK-TO-NATURE ****
This **** may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN ****
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T ****.
PREMEDITATED ****
Laxative induced doesn't count.
****ZOPHERENIA
Fear of ****ting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER Vs DURACELL ****
Also known as a "Still Going" ****.
THE POWER DUMP ****
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER ****
This kind of **** is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log ****.)
THE SPINAL TAP ****
The kind of **** that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" ****
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap ****s. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE ****
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" ****
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" ****
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" ****
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin’ and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" ****
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
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9 MONTH IMPOUNDMENTS SUCK ASS....JULY 14TH 2008, THE CAPRICE WILL BE BACK!
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