One for the ladies

[Lish]

I appologise if these have been done before - if they have I'm sure all you ladies will enjoy them again and again !!!


One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: Rumor


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[ClairBear]

Love 'em Lish - here are a few more to add to the list

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

C.

[MikeVXSS]

read em before but still love em !

oops posted by Lish lol - forgot to sign out of mikes name

[soyaman]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him it's a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "Sh*t. All I've got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says," What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says "okay", she gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[Lish]

aaaahahahahaaaaaaa love it!!!!

[Shounak]

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

This one's the best.. Cuz it's sooo true..

[TheForgotten]

heard some before, but they're all funny

[Shifty1]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him it's a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "Sh*t. All I've got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says," What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says "okay", she gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

LOL.. loved it..