Application For Permission To Date My Daughter
As a father, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Football games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______
3. STUDENT ID # _____________ PARENTS VISA CARD # _______________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ POST CODE # __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ ____
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a duel seat bike? ______ A 2stroke which can hold a pavilion? ______ A tent? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister/football coach? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
16. How many females have you taken on a date since you were 2? _________
IF ANY: Reasons why you are not still with this female?
___________________________________
NOTE: So why are you treating my daughter like second best?
___________________________________
17. Do you have any condoms?
___________________________________
NOTE: If answered Yes to question 17(If you have condoms this generally means you want to have sexual relations with my daughter) please drop the application where you are standing and run as quickly as you can. Because my record speed of getting my shotgun out of the cupboard is 1min 23seconds
18. Do you have an understanding of what a Shotgun with red tape halfway up the barrel and a tub of margarine is?
___________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow ten to twenty years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, thinks I have the wrong house...
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