Got emailed this a few weeks back, thought it was funny
Seems Chuck Norris has a rival in Jack Bauer.
Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a ****ing terrorist.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.
There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
It took God six days to get His job done; Jack has 24 hours.
After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.
Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of.
If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
When Jack Bauer farts, time stops.
Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Norris' head!
Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”.
Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
When Jack Bauer goes to church to pray, he simply goes up the the priest and says, "Put him through."
Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testicles contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46.
Chuck Norris is a Texas ranger only because Jack Bauer wont allow him to be a federal agent.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
Jack Bauer once took steroids to try and shrink his giant balls... It didn't work.
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
More Chuck Norris....
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