what's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
vomit.

A scotsman went to the doc for a checkup. doc says "you have too much sugar in your urine"
so the next day the scot peed on his porrige

Irishman in a bar, talkin to the barmaid
"can I take you home with me?"
barmaid "yeah ok, but i must warn you, I'm on my menstrual cycle"
irishman "no worries, I brought my pushbike too".

What's the difference between a queensland wedding and a queensland funeral?
one less drunk.

At sydney airport, a man, later found to be a teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight holding a compass, protractor and calculator. Authorities believed he was a mamber of the al-gerba movement. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

An old boy was relaxing on his 100th birthday, when a reporter asked him a few questions
"sir, what's the secret of your long life?"
the man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day I have a glass of port. good for the heart I've heard"
"is that all?" asked the reporter
"well... getting ouit of hiroshima was a good call too".

They ain't mine, and I'll get more when I could be bothered looking