Two jokes for the price of one

[Pretender]

Daddy's Little Girl Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.

And then! ... he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him!"






Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush,but you have AIDS."

Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre of prune juice.

Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


Doc says, "No......but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

[Doctor Sodways]

They are both gold, i think i have heard the elton john one before

Funny Stuff