Australian Workplace Agreements

[kowan]

Effective Immediately, if not sooner:
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days Off

Each employee will receive 104 personal days off a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.

Death Clause

Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths
will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your
can show that your death will not affect productivity.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

Signed
Little Johnny Howard
God Incarnate

[AussieHolden]

Ooooo that sounds black

[Patrio7]

almoust sounds right these days :P

[TheForgotten]

yeah it does

[minux]

Effective Immediately, if not sooner:
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days Off

Each employee will receive 104 personal days off a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

A place where a good friend works had pretty much this exact same clause in it.

[kowan]

Well you know who to thank for the new Australian Workplace Agreements.
Are you gunna take it laying down?

You can bet your sweet ass you will.

[minux]

Actually, 4 of the required 5 personal just quit without notice, seeing as how the new IR laws allow no notice to be given now.