The Squirrel & The Grasshopper
THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER
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REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
THE END
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THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
Winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed
that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The
ABC, Interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with
breaking
news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are
reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can
be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed
to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home
and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because
of
Australians apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial
moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it
was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start
a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
the squirrels's' food, though Spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their
treatment since arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is
placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and
State the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers
is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government
for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are
criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
increased to
pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work
beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
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