Oil Change Instructions

[VN_Luke]

Stolen from a site somewhere, with a URL.

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Oil Change Instructions (for women and men)

An oil change can be easy and simple or as complicated as you are willing to make it!

Oil change oil change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write A check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, Drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16-box end wrench

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid’s sandbox to cleverly cover oily Patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $300.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $2,965.00

But you know the job was done right!!!!

[90VN55]

hahaha

[Shounak]

I decided to make a less misandrist car care routine.

Womans oil change
1. Keep driving car until you go at least 1000km over the service reminder
2. Ring dealer and tell them you need to book your car in to get fixed
3. After waiting on hold for 10 minutes, spend another 10 minutes trying to find a free time with the dealer and book the car in for two weeks time
4. Get pissed off at dealer for wanting to know more about the car than just the colour, he doesn’t need to know the make and model (whatever that is)
5. Turn up at dealer with two cars and have husband drive you to work or home.
6. Receive a phone call from the dealer outlining repairs needed, such as a 6 wheel alignment, topping up headlight fluid, changing the carby and a multitude of other things that need URGENT ATTENTION..
7. Arrange a lift back to dealer and sign a credit card slip worth more than the value of the car
8. Drive off, knowing that the job was done properly, by a 15 year old kid with 80 other oil changes to get through and that the car was probably safely road tested by the same kid..

Guys oil change

1. Take the car for a spin to warm up the engine, do a few burnouts and fishies around corners
2. Park car in garage
3. Undo sump and filter
4. Have a beer whilst car is draining
5. Spend 10 minutes finishing the job and voula

[VN_Luke]

hahahahaha @ shounak.

so true

[hakhawk]

lmao, coulda made it more aussie for us, ie, ring spanner and open ender, not box wrench and crescent. lol

[sixshooter]

You must be a slow drinker shounak...or leave half of the old oil in the engine...

Heres the right way.

1] Fill up the petrol tank after work Friday night.

2] Purchase premium oil and oil filter

3] Pick up the lads and go out for a cruise

4] Pull into a drive through and grab 4 slabs

5] Let mates get right royally pissed as you cruise home so you can start drinking and do your oil change.

6] Pissed mates help get your engine oil hot to drain as you'll want to get home quick enough to escape anyone skulling too much early and throwing up that lunch-time kebab over your leather interior.

7] Arrive home safely after dragging every mofo that sneered at you sideways at the lights.

8] Crack your first tinee ! While everyone else takes a leak over you garden.

9] Stumble about in the shed looking for your sockets and jack cause you forgot to fix the light.

10] Watch in amusement as the light drinker amonst your mates vomits all over your dog.

11] Watch in horror as the dog licks up the spew and gets drunk.

12] Have a spew at your mate "A" who just lost the dogs ball through the neighbours window while playing fetch with your pissed dog.

12] Crack another tinnee...relax dont get tense !

13] Jack up the car with the trolley jack...and watch in horror as it rolls out your driveway into your neighbours fence because pissed mate "B" decided it would be funny to take the handbrake off and watch you chase after your car.

14] Crush you second beer can on mate "B"'s forehead and watch him fall over.

15] Race over to your car...quickly removing the jack and starting it and getting it into the shed before anyone comes out to see what that crashing noise was about.

16] Turn the head lights on so you can see in the shed, but turn the house lights off so no neighbours come around about their broken window or fence.

17] Crack another tinnee.

18] Jack the car up and chuck the pan under the sump.

19] Remove the plug...scolding yourself on the hot oil causing you to loose the plug in the drain pan.

20] Leave it till next morning...and go and help finish of the other couple of slabs.

21] 12 am it's Tea Time.... Dial up a pizza.

22] Eat pizza and pass out on sofa watching "Rage...Rage...Rage...Rage....R...R....R...Raaaaaa aaaaaage"

23] Wake up next day...with a splitting headache and freak out cause you think someone was trying to steal something off your car....because the shed is wide open and the car is sitting up on a jack.

24] Have a leak on the garden....whilst your memory remembers you were changing the oil.

25] Have a laugh...as you actually realise your pissing on one of your mates that fell asleep in the rose garden.

26] Tip the oil out of the drain pan into an old oil bottle.

27] Watch the sump plug fall into the bottle aswell.

28] Tip the oil back out again into the pan and try again.

29] Place the recovered plug back into the sump... remove filter with your oil impregnated hands...because you tightened it up last time with oil impregnated hands it should be easy to undo.

30] Curse as you spill oil in your shed...cause the swaybar got in the way.

31] Put on the new oil filter after smearing the rubber o-ring with new oil.

32] Remove oil cap...then look for a funnel...give up and decide you can pour it in if your careful.

33] Spill oil all over your shiney new rocker covers...while checking the dipstick for correct oil level.

34] Put cap back on...wipe rocker covers with your T-Shirt.

35] Jump into your car and fire it up...open shed to let the burning oil fumes out.

36] Turn off car and go looking for where your other mates slept in the garden.

37] Job done like a professional !

[Spaced]

10] Watch in amusement as the light drinker amonst your mates vomits all over your dog.

11] Watch in horror as the dog licks up the spew and gets drunk. !

God damn I've never laughed so hard as I have reading this

[NORTI]

lol @ you guys, & I thought my oil change the other week was funny....


Maybe I should have posted my step by step.... No beer in it thou....

Was plenty of cursing & some damage done to myself



D.

[padrickz88]

23] Wake up next day...with a splitting headache and freak out cause you think someone was trying to steal something off your car....because the shed is wide open and the car is sitting up on a jack.

24] Have a leak on the garden....whilst your memory remembers you were changing the oil.

25] Have a laugh...as you actually realise your pissing on one of your mates that fell asleep in the rose garden.

HAHAHA OMFG! thats gold... i laughed my ass off when i read that!

[s0sage]

rose bushes are NOT an ideal place to passout into when pissed ...

i wore those scratches for nearly 2 weeks