Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us !!!

[bazcom]

An elderly lady called the emergency number on her mobile phone
to
report that her car had been broken into.
She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the
despatcher:
They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedaand

even the
accelerator!" she cried. The despatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer
is on
> >>> the way." A few minutes later, the officer radioed in.
> >> "Disregard,"
> >>>he says.
> >>> "she got in the back seat by mistake."
> >>> _______________
> >>>
> >>> FAMILY
> >>> Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
> >>> One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
> >>> pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out
> >> of
> >>>the
> >>> bath?"
> >>> The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
> >> see."
> >>> She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs
> >>> or down?"
> >>> The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
> >> listening
> >>>to
> >>> her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
> >> get
> >>>that
> >>> forgetful, knock on wood. " She then yells, "I'll come up and
> >> help
> >>>both of
> >>> you as soon as I see who's at the door"
> >>> ______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> >>>
> >>> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
> >> fine
> >>>March
> >>> day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> >>> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> >>> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> >>> _______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> SUPERSEX
> >>>
> >>> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
> >>
> >>>home.
> >>> As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
> >> say
> >>> "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
> >>>Flipping her
> >>> gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment
> >> or
> >>>two and
> >>> finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> >>> ________________________________
> >>>
> >>> ROMANCE
> >>>
> >>> An older couple were lying in bed one night.
> >>> The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic
> >>> mood and wanted to talk.
> >>> She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting".
> >>> Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
> >>> to get back to sleep.
> >>> A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
> >>> Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
> >> cheek
> >>> and settled down to sleep.
> >>> Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
> >>> Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
> >>> "Where are you going?" she asked."To get my teeth!"
> >>> _______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
> >>> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
> >>> home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
> >>> "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
> >>> tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
> >>>elephant?"
> >>> Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
> >>> _______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> OLD FRIENDS
> >>>
> >>> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades
> >>> Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
> >>> adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting
> >>> a few times a week to play cards.
> >>> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
> >> and
> >>> said,"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a
> >> long
> >>> time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
> >> thought,
> >>>but I
> >>> can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> >>> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
> >> stared
> >>> and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
> >> know?"
> >>> _______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> SENIOR DRIVING
> >>>
> >>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
> >>> rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
> >>> "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> >>> wrong way on the freeway. Please be careful!"
> >>> "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> >> them!"
> >>> _______________________________________
> >>>
> >>> DRIVING
> >>>
> >>> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could
> >>> barely see over the dashboard.
> >>> As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
> >>> The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
> >>> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
> >>> losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
> >>> After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
> >>> the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
> >>> The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
> >>> had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
> >> She
> >>> was getting nervous.
> >>> At the next intersection, sure enough,the light was red and they
> >>> went on through. So, she turned to the otherwoman and said,
> >>> "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
> >>> in a row?
> >>> You could have killed us both!"
> >>> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
> >>>
> >>> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!

[commod8]

some grouse jokes you have posted tehre buddy!

[R0d]

nice man, some good ones there

[redcv6]

hahaha funny shit

[TheForgotten]

that last one... I've seen a few old biddies like that...

[gopher]

bad news

it probably will happen to you

[VTPREDATOR]

nope. i plan on killin myself long b4 i get like that. lol