I need kiwi jokes!!!

[Bec]

As title states. I am off to NZ in a couple of weeks and need some ammo.
Please... help the welfare of a fellow member ie me

PS: Sorry Mike
- For starting this thread (you had better keep your eyes shut)
- For invading your homeland

[fourstar82]

This young kiwi couple are driving along the outskirts of Auckland when they suddenly see Carlos Spencer behind a shed in a paddock having his way with a sheep. They stop and the man rolls down the window and says, "Hey Carlos! Aren't you suppossed to be shearing that sheep?". Carlos replies quickly, "Feck off! I'm not sharing this sheep with anyone!"


I'll get my coat and leave... Sorry Mike hehehe

[Bax]

Isn't Mike enough of a joke anyway?



hahhaha jk

[2_SeeK_U]

Isn't Mike enough of a joke anyway?



hahhaha jk

hahaha..... thats enough ammo, but heres some more anyway:

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A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
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And a personal favourite of mine:


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

[jetspin_vn]

Hey, here's a joke... The Wallabies!!

[fourstar82]

May I remind you that we have won the World Cup twice... Lost last yr, but beat the all blacks in the Semi Final so neeeer

[jetspin_vn]

Sorry? What was that? All I can hear is "Viva la France!!"

And if thats not enough for you, i'll remind you that the two best drivers in the V8's are a Kiwi and a guy from Tazmania - and you won't claim him coz' he drives a ford!!

Carlos, well I don't like the prick he is f****** hopeless. Bring back a real first five-eigth, like Tony Brown.

Do your worst people!! I'll go down in a blaze of glory if thats what it takes!!*

Most of these jokes were invented by us about auzzies first you just stole them and turned them back on us.**

Now im off to have some of that awesome Kiwi dessert... the Pav


Mike
- No Joke



* I won't really go down in a blaze, it just sounds cool

** I have absolutley no basis for this claim

[jetspin_vn]

Ah well, I spose its all in good fun... when you coming over Bek?

[beckrey]

not a joke as such but this was in todays paper

http://www.couriermail.news.com.au/c...55E401,00.html

[Bec]

I had hoped that she transferred the milk to a bottle first...obviously not

Mike, I'm coming over on 27/11 for two weeks. Will be somewhere in Auckland for first week then somewhere else for the second (don't know where yet). Unfortunately it's not a holiday though....I have to work hard the whole time

[jetspin_vn]

Hmm hard work, sux eh.

Auckland, poor you. I hate this place - rather live in Taupo or Queenstown.

Heh the day I flew into Queenstown during August, Visibility 10km reducing 1500m in showers of snow!! It was bad enough that just after I cleared Queenstown tower's control zone, an Air NZ B737 had to taxi back to the gate because the vis was too poor for departure.

That was a learning curve alright.

[Julie]

I can only remember one kiwi joke off hand but I will look at my collection i'm sure to have plenty more In the meantime,

Q. Why do new zealand horses run so damn fast?
A. 'cos they seen what happened to the sheep

[Julie]

Another:

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[Julie]

More from my collection:

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

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Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

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Q. What do you call 15 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The All Blacks

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A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

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An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

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Did you hear about the kiwi that walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?

The barman says " Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?

The pig reply's " Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the bastards

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What do kiwi's & sperm have in common?

Only one in every 50,000 that comes out works.

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What do you call an empty building block with 15 Kiwi rugby players on it?

A vacant lot.

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An aussie and a kiwi sheep herder were flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. Aussie: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Kiwi: What about the sheep?!? Aussie: #### the sheep!!!! Kiwi: (pause) Do you think we have time?

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q. How do you know if a Kiwi has hacked your computer?

a. The RAM is screwed

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Q. how does a new zealand man find a sheep in long grass?

A.PLEASURABLE!!!!

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Hey, did you hear that Kiwi farmers have found a new use for sheep? They call it WOOL....well fancy that eh?

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Q What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A The kiwis penis

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Q What is the difference between a Limousine and a sheep?
A Not all kiwis have been in a Limousine

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Thats about all I got, should give u some good ammunition tho

[fourstar82]

New Zealand Cricket

[jetspin_vn]

Typical piss poor effort. God I wanted to beat someone after that, perhaps the head of NZ cricket.

[VT1968]

Q/.How do you set up a kiwi in a small business?

A/.Give him a large one and let him take it from there !!!!!!


Q/.Why do kiwis make love to sheep on clifftops?

A/. Coz they back up harder !!!!!!

Q/.how do you know if a kiwi has broken into your house?

A/. there's lovebites on ya lamb roast and cum in ya ugg boots !!!!!!!!

[Wombat]

I used to work with a Kiwi who used to tell some of the sickest Kiwi jokes around...sort of related to how Irish knwo all the best Irish jokes I suppose...
He took all sorts of ribbing from us about sheep and so-on, and then one day he asked "Would you like to hear an Australian joke?" We all said yeah, what is it?
He said "How do you make a bionic Aussie?" We were puzzled, and he answered "You drop a battery in a bucket of shit."

[jetspin_vn]

Thats brilliant!!

In the spirit of sharing, the best kiwi/sheep joke I've heard (even I have to admit, I had a bit of chuckle) is this:

Whats the definition of New Zealand virgin wool?

A: the sheep that ran the fastest!!

[xstatic]

jetspin i spose you have nearly heard all the kiwi jokes there is out there??

cheers

scott

[jetspin_vn]

All the ones there are at the moment anyway. They're almost all about sheep - shows how creative australians are.

[OSL-060]

I wouldn't bother making jokes, just mention the Cricket

Edit: Ok that's been said but with the test finishing a few hours ago...I can say it again

[jetspin_vn]

Cricket? What cricket is this? Never heard of the game, don't think we even have a team... and if we do it's prob just the south islands so it doesn't count.

[xstatic]

i can remember hearing on the news that australia won 2 to nil and the kiwis went back to the country that is hopless at playing cricket, in shame.

i added that last bit on by the way

cheers

scott

[jetspin_vn]

I don't know where u heard that mate, because they are still over there!! We cancelled their passports so they can't come home...

... no seriously there are some ODI's to be played. God help us.