Kiwi Jokes

[VXSSII]

Well being half kiwi i cop alot of flack so here are some of the jokes i have had to deal with over the past few years.....

Q. Why do birds fly upside down in New Zealand?

A. Coz there is nothing worth ****ting on.



Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?

A. Quite Pleasant


A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".


Q.Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

A.They eat all the grass.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.

[VXSSII]

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that ****ing Kiwi in the head again."

[Stephen_Vn_Exec]

im full kiwi, heard quite a few of these before lol.. Christchurch

[VXSSII]

family is from Papakura. Live in Sydney at the moment.

[kowan]

How do you know if a kiwi has been in the fridge?
Lovebites on the lamb roast.

[R Photon]

haha these are pretty good i'm a kiwi myself originally from christchurch but ive been in aussie for about 4/5 years now

[vy_storm]

Having just been there myself....

Whats the kiwi's idea of safe sex?

Spray painting red x's on the sheep that kick.

[Pretender]

The latest joke doing the rounds in New Zealand:


The Aussie cricket team

[kevin1866]

An Eskimo is traverling through Auckland, when his car breaks down. A Kiwi farmer driving by, decides to stop and help.

After checking under the hood, he looks up and says to the Eskimo,

" Looks like you've blown a seal, mate."

The Eskimo shouts back,

" So what, you **** sheep!!!!"

[mattkeane88]

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[skitzn]

what do you call a new zealand truck driver driving a truck load of sheep?



a pimp


and im kiwi to and love all these jokes

[Fekason]

Did you know that in NZ, they bury people twelve foot under. That's because deep down they're very nice people.

However, in Oz, they only bury Kiwi's one foot under. That's because even when they're dead, they still expect their hand out.