Jokes!!

[Sphinx]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
********************* *****************************
A Polish immigrant went to Vicroads to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[daron]

hahahaha nice ones
made me laff

[VYBec]

hee hee.. like the one bout the wife winning lotto!!!

[Jo3_Blo]

The one where the guy shows his wife what it's like when his driving his funny. and the last one too.

[arrow224]

Hehehe..seen all but the last one. Good stuff.

[MiSs MeOw]

F****N hilerious the one with the wife in the kitchen cookin eggs ****ing brilliant

[JD]

excellent collection there!

[Jules86]

A bloke walks into a bar and goes up to the bar asks for a drink.
Standing there he notices a jar full of money with CONTEST written on it behind the bar, and asks the barman whats up with the jar.

"Oh thats just a little contest" he says. "Have to complete all three challenges to win the money" So the bloke asks what he has to do.
"Well you see spike over there at the pool table (big muscley rough looking bloke) he's never been knocked out in a fight, you have knock him out first", "the second is the old dingo out back with the bad tooth, you need to take these pliers go out there and rip out his saw tooth", "the 3rd is the old broad that runs this place is waiting upstairs for multiple orgasms; but it'll cost you $50"

The bloke slams $50 down on the bar, walks up to spike and knocks him out with one punch. He then hurries outside to the dingo, and all they could hear was this huge comotion, snarling, grunting, biting, scractching, and a huge YELP! The bloke pushes open the door, and he's covered in blood and his t-shirt is torn all over with scratches all over his body. He walks up to the bar and picks up the pliers. "Where's the old lady with the saw tooth!"

[VZTHUNDER]

think ya mean sore
good joke mate

[belave]

hahaha thats a crackup!