Bad Jokes!

[Reaper]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Win Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

A local blond redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The blond redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, the same blond redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The blond redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the blond redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied,' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!'

[love the general]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?


Half a dog

[Beechy]

2 cows sitting in a paddock eating grass, first cow says to
second cow, "what do you think about this whole mad
cow disease thing", second cow looks at him and
says, "how the f**k would i know, i'm a helicopter!!!!!

[Jecs]

The Balloon family went camping. After erecting the tents and having a nice dinner, Daddy Balloon and Mummy Balloon settled down for the night, leaving their son Billy Balloon to finish up the dishes. When it came time to sleep, Billy realised it was a very tight uncomfortable squeeze between Mummy and Daddy.

So he undid Daddy's knot and let out some air. He tried again to get between his parents but it was still too squeezy. So he let a bit of air out of Mummy. Nope, still a bit tight, so he let some air out of him self and found he was able to snuggle perfectly between his parents and had a wonderful sleep.


He woke the next morning with his father standing over him. "Son" his father said "you have let me down, you have let your Mother down and you have let yourself down."

[hsvpunk]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students at the University of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."!!

[SquishyShoes]

Haha, good one punk!

[JUZDVS]

whats green an got wheels??






a frog, i lied about the wheels

Thats the best joke I've heard in a long time

[Philthy]

How do you make a sculpture of an elephant?
Get a big block of marble and chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant

[Jecs]

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (B) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "TURTLE HEAD" SHIT
No pushing required the shit does all the work, youve just gotta find a depository.......fast.

THE "WAITING FOR A CALL" SHIT
Youve got a very important phone call coming, but just cant hold it, and low and behold you have to break off a great looking turd, suck the first half back in as you run down the hall, trying to find the phone

[kane88]

there are tears in my eyes from laughing..

[jujibelly]

Yeah I was ****ing crying first time I read the shit one. Good one

[HARVZ-6]

the "pole driver" shit

when its half way round the s bend and still 3 inches out the water


the "clevland steamer"

when you shit on top of the toilet seat


A "rubber ducky"

shit in the toilet system so everytime its flushed, the water is brown


Explodingcrapitis,

when its like an explosion in the bowl, not only is shit spray all over the inside of the toilet and over your ass, but theres bits on top of the seat and over your legs

[Jbird]

what do you call a gay dinosaur?


mega-saur-ass

[ditch_12]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur??


licka-lota-puss

[VzVzVz]

What do you call a guy who lives in a bush?
Russle.

How many Dwarfes does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends how high your ceiling is

[theperthvan]

There was a rustle in the bushes.

Russell, get out of the bushes!

[Jecs]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One i
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring
but I like your thinking

[hsvpunk]

bahahahaha gold,

[Jecs]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.


Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.


PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.


Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?


PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.


Hilth Munister: What about Australia?


PM: I'll call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".


Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

[Fitzy09]

Why did Johnny fall off his bike?

Because his mum threw a fridge at him

[Fitzy09]

whoops double post

[Swordsy]

Why did Johnny fall off his bike?

Because his mum threw a fridge at him

Why did Fred fall off his bike?

Cos Fred was a fish

[acarmody]

Saw this on some webpage, laughed my ass off.

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[acarmody]

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila




Life is like a penis, When it gets hard, you're screwed and when it gets soft you can't beat it.

[VRV8_Matt]

How do you know if you have a massive under bite?

When you eat pussy it tastes like shit!