Bad Jokes!

[Shelz]

Why did the blond steal the police car??
Because it read 911 on the back she thought it was a Porsche!

[VKCOMMO]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no legs.
Neil.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.

what do you call a man without a shovel in his head..

douglas

[VKCOMMO]

A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Hello Miss Whack, I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I'd like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain pig, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog here called Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, who wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what in the world is this‽"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

thats awful, i want to jump off a cliff now..

[Maxseverity]

what do you get when you cross an owl and a bungey cord?...
My ass.
nyahahahahaha! ENOUGH!

[Maxseverity]

why did the kiwi marry his wife?..
sheep cant cook

[SquishyShoes]

Haha at the kiwi one, but can someone please explain the owl one?

[RedBull77]

Why did Eeyore have his head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh.
Why did piglet have his head in the toilet?
He was also looking for pooh.

[calais24/7]

Jecs you funny f***er you must have to much time on your hands man but made me piss myself

[Corbs1234]

Haha at the kiwi one, but can someone please explain the owl one?

I believe its from the movie "kung pow, return of the fist" by Steve Odekerk....possibly the worst movie of all time....ever...thingy
google it, or if you dare...rent it.
Just dont do what i did..and buy it, lol its that bad

[ruggj]

I believe its from the movie "kung pow, return of the fist" by Steve Odekerk....possibly the worst movie of all time....ever...thingy
google it, or if you dare...rent it.
Just dont do what i did..and buy it, lol its that bad

That movie was funny as hell. I've been talking to mates about how we have to get together and watch it again like old times lol.

My mate told me this joke the other day:


What did the deaf dumb blind chick get for christmas?
Cancer

[ruggj]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[ruggj]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[SV62NV]

A banana and a vibrator are sat on the bedside table, the banana says to the vibrator "i don't know why your shaking, he's gonna ****ing eat me!"

[Philthy]

A banana and a vibrator are sat on the bedside table, the banana says to the vibrator "i don't know why your shaking, he's gonna ****ing eat me!"

He?? .

[SV62NV]

He?? .

Not gonna lie i copyed that from someones facebook status

[Jecs]

Not gonna lie i copyed that from someones facebook status

..sure you did

[ryno_vrx]

Not gonna lie i copyed that from someones facebook status

your boyfriends ???

[ruggj]

your boyfriends ???

lololololol

[SV62NV]

your boyfriends ???

i could say something, but it would most likely get me an infraction, so ill just let it go

[fuzzy2308]

my mate said to me "its not easy being dyslexic" he got his sleeping tablets and Viagra mixed up this afternoon and ended d up having 40 wanks!!!

[levymetal]

a man walks into a pub carrying a piece of bitumen. he goes up to the bartender and says: "i'll grab 2 beers thanks. 1 for myself and 1 for the road"

[theperthvan]

your boyfriends ???

bloody gold

[fuzzy2308]

"2 eggs boiling in a saucepan! 1 female, 1 male! she turns 2 him &says ' look, i've got a crack!' He replies, 'No point telling me, i'm not even hard

[fuzzy2308]

Two condoms are walking down the street. They pass a gay bar, one goes to the other "lets go in and get shit faced

[levymetal]

Q. Why does the poor man drink coffee?

A. Because he has no proper tea.