Bad Jokes!

[kane88]

they say pigs cant fly, but swine flu

that's terrible

[v8_stato]

lmao there great

[0402jimbob]

Okay, lets give this a shot.

Kiwi joke with a twist
Kiwi and Aussie are walking along a track when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, poor thing was stuck tight.
Kiwi looks at Aussie and says "Choice bro", rips his pants down and gives it to the sheep with gusto.
Aussie is a little disgusted and lets his Kiwi mate know this.
Kiwi replies "Hey bro, you shouldn't knock it unless you have tried it".
Aussie thinks for a minute and says "Your right mate i will have a go", then he pulls his pants down, sticks his head in the fence and says to the Kiwi "Well come on then"!!!!!!

Songs to sing while..........
You are driving across the Nullabor Plain miles from anywhere in the stinking heat when your car suddenly blows a head gasket. Sitting on the side of the road with steam pouring form your bonnet you sing......
You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille....

You are a doctor who specializes in treating midgets, but business has been very slow. While you sit in the office waiting you start singing.....
All I need, Is some little patients oohhh yeah

Some bad taste jokes
What do you tell your wife when she has two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice!!!

I may get excommunicated for retelling this on a Holden website but here goes.....
What do Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common.
Both were killed by a fishtail...

[Jecs]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray River......

[hsvpunk]

oh Jecs, thats comedy gold.

[Jecs]

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.
His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

[mcrow5]

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.
His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

ahaha lol, good one!

[BigDaz]

lmao nice.

A black fella walks into a bar with 1 thong on. The barman goes to him "lose a thong mate?" the black fella says "nah, i found 1!"

what time do ducks get out of bed? the quack of dawn

how do u get a pom out of the bath? turn the tap on

how do u stop a dog from pi$$ing on your rug? shoot it

[Jecs]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said : " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

[hsvpunk]

very nice jecs, very nice.

[cjf]

Funny ha ha.

[Jo3_Blo]

LOL Jecs!!

[Jecs]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[hsvpunk]

Go Saints.

"why did cinderella run away from the ball?
Coz she played for collingwood..."

[Paiste402]

Go Saints.

"why did cinderella run away from the ball?
Coz she played for collingwood..."

mate that one made me LOL!

[hsvpunk]

Woman should have just laid still while matty johns ****ed her.
It is common knowledge that trashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

[nick3110]

Woman should have just laid still while matty johns ****ed her.
It is common knowledge that trashing around and screaming only attracts other sharks.

oh thats shocking.. still made me laugh lol..

[Rossbx]

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

[-scyth-]

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[-scyth-]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[social]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

haha... i love this thread lmao

[coolvxss]

Andrew Johns was the better player out of the johns brothers, but matty certainly knows how to put his team mates in holes.

[coolvxss]

The NRL has dropped all charges and reinstated matthew johns. apparently the kiwi bird didnt know about the interchange laws

[coolvxss]

Finally know that the NZ haka's all about. come matty come matty come matty.......

[stato queen]

I'd tell ya's the joke about the butter,
but ya's would only spread it.