Rules for the australian heterosexual male!

[pipdog]

The Rules of Life for Australian Heterosexual Men

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is
broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue.

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

[EllaBella]

thats the insight into male logic ive been looking for all this time *lol*

[AussieHolden]

I don't get why there are rules for women in there when it's for men ?

[The1985divo]

HAHAHAHAHAH ROFL thats great

[ViperVp]

hehe, nice

[Astranomical]

Lol, nice. Just one problem...men who are using urinals at the same time never talk to each other!!!! EVER!!!!!! :O

[pow3rslave]

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue.

take that, ford boys, and i'm sure brown and pink in the works as we speak.

[Shounak]

Lol, nice. Just one problem...men who are using urinals at the same time never talk to each other!!!! EVER!!!!!! :O

As if you've never recognised a man at a urinal and asked him "How's it hanging?"..

I find urinal talk quite common. Especially when you're out on the piss and drinking same quantities at the same time. It's a bit like chicks cycling together..

[Grennan]

Hahaha loved them all. Personal favourites:

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

[VZTHUNDER]

27, 28 , and 30

AMEN

[Cane_It]

The Rules of Life for Australian Heterosexual Men


29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue.

given that SL/R 5000s came out in lime green...
and given that sunburnt orange was an option on monaros I think this rule is questionable.

[wes_v8]

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

Not to sure bout the turbo bit tho lol

[The Darkness]

ahh this has already been posted before. The official men's rules guide!!

[pow3rslave]

ahh this has already been posted before. The official men's rules guide!!

yeah but like 2 years ago, which is also how old this thread is.
zomg night of the living dead threads!

[Astranomical]

As if you've never recognised a man at a urinal and asked him "How's it hanging?"..

I find urinal talk quite common. Especially when you're out on the piss and drinking same quantities at the same time. It's a bit like chicks cycling together..

Nope, at least in QLD, we never talk at urinals...and for good reason...i personally find it quite disgusting :P

Btw, i disagree with rule 29...the VT SS came out in Tiger Mica, and it looked DAMN good.

[Mr_Slim]

number 10 is classic i've done that before hahaha

number 27... true. even though the missus has an echo, i'll still drive it. but she doesn't drive my car (i tried teaching her to drive manual once. i could smell the clutch for like an hour afterwards)

and the last one cracked me up hahahah

[The Darkness]

yeah but like 2 years ago, which is also how old this thread is.
zomg night of the living dead threads!

lol didnt see the date on this one.