Naughty Parrot

[lgnd3800]

Walking to work one day, a lady passes a pet shop where a parrot is sitting on a perch outside. The parrot takes one look at her and says: "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one one fat ugly bitch!" Well, you can imagine her reaction. She turns and storms away.

Coming home from work that day, she passes the parrot, who instantly recognizes her. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!" She absolutely cannot believe this, but she controls her temper and heads home.

The next day, same thing- but twice as loud.

"Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!" the parrot says. Other pedestrians stop in shock and stare at the woman, who is mortified.

Unable to take it any more, she throws open the door to the pet store, charges up to the manager, and threatens to sue the store and kill the bird if he doesn't get the parrot to cut it out. The manager apologizes profusely and promises to have a talk with the bird.





It was the first day of school, and the kindergarden teacher was standing in front of her class. She said to them, “Ok children, before we get started, I want to make sure none of you think you are dumb. Because none of you are. If you think you are stupid, please stand up.” She waited for a couple of minutes, but no one stood up. One boy stood up and the teacher asked, “Now Bobby, do you really think you are stupid?” Bobby answered, “Well, no ma’am. But I didn’t want you to be the only one standing.”



The following letter was written home to his parents by a student who was trying to hint that he needed some money.....

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replied with this letter:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad




Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver's license?
Driver: I’m afraid I don't have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner's documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it's not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there's no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!

The police captain was very confused about what had happened.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...




One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."





These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we’re going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we’ll be right back, Ok?".

The two boys nod ’OK’, and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what’s going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks
into his mom and dad’s bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."




Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"



A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Kikki]

LOL

Good jokes, but me thinks maybe 1 post for all would have been better..... I cant meber which ones I read and seem to keep visiting the same one!

[lgnd3800]

alright ill change it