Qantas solutions

[bazcom]

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Subject: Qantas [SEC=UNOFFICIAL]


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some 'actual' maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[V-ahhh]

nice one mate, lol

[NORTI]

lols I was sent these years ago, was funny then, tis still funny now

[bazcom]

Struth... it"s weird to see **** deleted out of a sentence ???

[redcv6]

hahahaha thats great

[Fekason]

Just a minor, but unfunny, correction.

It is not true that Qantas has never had an accident. However, no other major airline has a better safety record.

[Jo3_Blo]

Haha, funny.

[BANKS]

Qantas have had accidents? The 747 that run off the runway in Singapore 5 or so years ago. I think what it means is that they have had no major incidents resulting in a large number of casualties. I work with Qantas and there view on safety is very impressive

[Reaper]

Qantas have had accidents? The 747 that run off the runway in Singapore 5 or so years ago. I think what it means is that they have had no major incidents resulting in a large number of casualties. I work with Qantas and there view on safety is very impressive

Lets just say they have had no "early arrivals" causing death.

Reaper

[Fekason]

My understanding is that Qantas has had about six fatal accidents. However, these occurred before the jet aircraft era, so Qantas has not had a fatal jet aircraft accident.

The B747 ran off the end of the runway at Bangkok, Thailand. The aircraft was severely damaged, and the incident was classified as an accident. However, no deaths resulted from the event.

Qantas safety record is second to none, but its history is not perfect.

By the way, I first saw the maintenance entries above in a US publication about twenty years ago. They still raise a laugh though.

[LeojVS]

I work as an aircraft maintenance guy and some of the US's (unservicieabilities) I see make you laugh, some make you wonder, and some just make no sense at all. Its not only pilots, but other maintenance trades who write them up too.

[Jesterarts]

They have been around for years... an yet... i laugh at them time and time again...

[BANKS]

My understanding is that Qantas has had about six fatal accidents. However, these occurred before the jet aircraft era, so Qantas has not had a fatal jet aircraft accident.

The B747 ran off the end of the runway at Bangkok, Thailand. The aircraft was severely damaged, and the incident was classified as an accident. However, no deaths resulted from the event.

Qantas safety record is second to none, but its history is not perfect.

By the way, I first saw the maintenance entries above in a US publication about twenty years ago. They still raise a laugh though.

Ah thats intetesting, we'll all know how dodgy flight was back in the day so its no surpirse that there where probably deaths. Qantas's record, against other major international airliners, is one to the best if not the best, crash and safety wise.

Oh yeah Thailand sorry, I knew it was around there somewhere. There was $100 million in damage to the aircraft (inside sources).

Qantas aren’t cheap arses like some of the airlines when it comes to maintenance. If something needs to be fixed, it gets fixed then and there. Planes that have crashed due to mechanical fault have largely been due to airlines blowing out the maintenance to save money, some thing that Qantas have prided themselves on not doing. One thing that Qantas is good at is recovery. They have plans and systems for EVERYTHING and its quite impressive seeing these systems when there implemented. Working with and around aircraft and airlines, i've seen it all.