Understanding Engineers

[Reaper]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Morton]

haha, I like that. I like that a lot

[BullittSV6]

Hey I'm an electrical engineer myself.

Here's a few reasons why engineer's make the best boyfriends...

Today's lesson

- Girls must be convinced, so learn to promote yourself - convince them that 'Engineers are the Best Boyfriends' Let me tell you why girls should eventually marry an engineer over a Law, Management, Arts or Medical School Graduate. He has three distinct advantages over the rest of the graduates.




Advantage 1: Secure lifestyle


An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him a high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too. Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.


Advantage 2: Unmatchable industriousness


An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one.

So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear. Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will
operate on you.

And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.-


Advantage 3: An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust.

Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything,
management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look
like another cadaver to the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that.

Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to
understand and please you, has no timefor affairs, and too dumb to lie to you. So girls, why procrastinate? Getan engineer to be your boyfriend!

You Might be an Engineer If...

... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.
... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.



***



Question: What is the sum of 2 + 2?

An accountant will say "What do you want the answer to be?"

A mathematician will say "I believe it is 4, but I will have to prove it."

A statistician will say "The population is too small to give an accurate answer, but on the basis of the data supplied the answer lies between 3 and 5."

An economist will say "Based on today's thinking, the answer is 4 but the answer may be different tomorrow".

An engineer will say "The answer is 4, but adding a safety factor we will call it 5".



***



Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.



***



Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."



***



A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.



***



Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"



***



Engineer's Description of a Woman

Occurance:
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:
The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests:
Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more than one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted



***



During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.






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Comprehending Engineers
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"




10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer
1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.

2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."

3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

4. We have significant figures.
5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.
6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?
7. Engineers do it to specifications.
8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.
9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
10. We know the right hand rule.


Half Glass of Scotch
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.

The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"




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4 Golfers on Sunday
Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. "You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week."

The second man, a well known realtor, says, "That's nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come."

The third man, a travel agent says, "I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that's gonna end-up costing me."

The fourth man, the engineer, doesn't say anything, so they asked him about it. He says "Well... it's no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: 'intercourse or golf course', and here I am, just like that."





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How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

[Philthy]

Haha, as an engineering student those are so funny...and so true!
You have just described most of the people I go to Uni with!

[Zuicider]

well i havent had much luck when it comes to working with engineers. either they take a worn part draw it with the worn bits included and expect u to understand why the part isnt a standard size or they design a product with tolerances that dont make sence or u cant get with the equipment your provided.
i was working with this one mob that repaired valves for the oil and gas industry aka woodside n apache . they would cad up sum ball valve seals to be made out of ptfe nylon. they gave me tolerances of 0.0139 mm plus or minus. dial gauges we had only read to .02mm incriments. Another time at this joint a 30 inch ball valve kept blowing seals on the cryo pressure tests. it was rebuilt 12 times and failed every test , every time and the engineers kept telling us every time it was sumthing different and to try sumthing knew.

we had sum woodside graduate engineers come through for sum on the job pracs. i was watching 3 engineers strip a small ball valve. they couldnt undo a nut. so they didint ask the supervisor because they thought they knew best. so they got a large breaker bar with a pipe on the end to get more force. they were still struggling so the supervisor came over. they were trying to remove the nut the wrong way. didnt they teach them at class lefty lucy righty tighty?

[mischa]

My dads going to love this thread

[BullittSV6]

well i havent had much luck when it comes to working with engineers. either they take a worn part draw it with the worn bits included and expect u to understand why the part isnt a standard size or they design a product with tolerances that dont make sence or u cant get with the equipment your provided.
i was working with this one mob that repaired valves for the oil and gas industry aka woodside n apache . they would cad up sum ball valve seals to be made out of ptfe nylon. they gave me tolerances of 0.0139 mm plus or minus. dial gauges we had only read to .02mm incriments. Another time at this joint a 30 inch ball valve kept blowing seals on the cryo pressure tests. it was rebuilt 12 times and failed every test , every time and the engineers kept telling us every time it was sumthing different and to try sumthing knew.

we had sum woodside graduate engineers come through for sum on the job pracs. i was watching 3 engineers strip a small ball valve. they couldnt undo a nut. so they didint ask the supervisor because they thought they knew best. so they got a large breaker bar with a pipe on the end to get more force. they were still struggling so the supervisor came over. they were trying to remove the nut the wrong way. didnt they teach them at class lefty lucy righty tighty?

I am a graduate engineer myself and I know that a lot of them get straight out of uni and think they know everything just because they finished uni.

I am of the opinion that you never stop learning and while I have finished uni, it's just a base knowledge. A lot of them go out and specify something and just go by drawings.

I am lucky enough to be on a site so I use a drawing but CONFIRM it first and have a chat to the operators and maintenence about what I am planning and their thoughts on it.

Gotta respect those people who work with the plant everyday, they know what works.

Thats my 2 cents..

[davey g-force]

LOL, I'm a civil engineer and those are classics! Especially this one:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

In fact, I think that'd make a good signature if you don't mind Reaper...

[Emackulation]

Im also a undergraduate Civil Engineer, funny ****, I sent this arround the office. I like the one about degin of the human body lmao.

"No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Astranomical]

You Might be an Engineer If...

... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.
... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

I'm an IT student at uni, going into network administration, but most of those apply to me, scary!

[Zuicider]

I am a graduate engineer myself and I know that a lot of them get straight out of uni and think they know everything just because they finished uni.

I am of the opinion that you never stop learning and while I have finished uni, it's just a base knowledge. A lot of them go out and specify something and just go by drawings.

I am lucky enough to be on a site so I use a drawing but CONFIRM it first and have a chat to the operators and maintenence about what I am planning and their thoughts on it.

Gotta respect those people who work with the plant everyday, they know what works.

Thats my 2 cents..

hehe yer, i had sum engineers under me as my ta's during their uni break. was quite fun got them to do everything i didnt weant to do. i recon it would be easier to become an engineer once u have done a trade. i use to measure design and make parts when i was doing my apprenticeship and once u learn the properties of the metals and what u can do and get away with its easy.
i needed sum hardened bushes, so i grabbed sum high tensile nylon nuts, machined them down till they were close to size , heated them up cooled them in oil and bobs ya uncle . thats just an example

[adamvnss]

lol nice ones

[Flat_White]

this is an awesome thread!!