"Gift for my Wife"

[kowan]

Use your imagination
















A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their



Anniversary submitted this:







Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & pawnshop that sparked



my interest. The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking



for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across



was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser



were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on



the assailant allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety WAY TOO



COOL!!!!!!!!!







Long story short I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2



AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.



NOTHING!! I was disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the



button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;



I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the



prongs.







AWESOME!!!!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is



on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this



toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2



AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my reclined, my cat Gracie



looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the



directions and thinking that I really needed a flesh and blood target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a



second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But If I



was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a



mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.



AM I WRONG?







So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading



glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one



hand and Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second



burst would shock and disorient your assailant A two-second burst was



supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; A



three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the



ground like a fish out of water; Any burst longer than three seconds



would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this



little device measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4' in



circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy bitsy AAA



batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!







What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm



sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one



side as if to say, don't do it dip****; reasoning that a one-second



burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't possibly hurt all



that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the



heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button



and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!







I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,



picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the



carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on



my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking



wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my



left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in



my legs.







The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging



to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an



attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living



room.







Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one



note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you



zap yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is



dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor.







A three-second burst would be considered conservative



SON-OF-A-BITCH!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!.







A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at



that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and



surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of



the fireplace; The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from



where it originally was; My Triceps, right thigh and both nipples were



still twitching; My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain



and my bottom lip weighed 88 lb.; I had no control over my drooling;



Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense



of smell was gone; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe was coming from my hair; I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







PS My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If



you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[Rufus®]

That is ****in pure gold!!!! I haven't laughed so much in a long time, nearly cried!!! lol. Whether its real or not, who cares, it was bloody funny!!

[arrow224]

ROFLMAO! Great stuff there. Loved it!

[v8oz]

Ahahaha ouch

[VZTHUNDER]

lmfao
nearly cryed laughin there too

[WinterVX]

lol ... enough said

[vpcalais6]

thats gold