I called Lifeline the other night and got put through to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

I tried to join a Tourettes support group, but they told me to f**k off

Pete 'I can't wait to get home and rip the wife's knickers off'
Steve " You a bit horny?"
Pete 'Nah, the elastics cutting into me legs'