LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB
funnys
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her weighing scales. And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started.....
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen? And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!
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