Just Commodores Forum Community

It takes just a moment to join our fantastic community

Register

Advice on tracking down family of deceased former girlfriend - NSW.

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by Calaber, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    OK. One from left field.

    They say that the first love never really dies. After an absence of over thirty six years, I think they're right.

    My first girlfriend and I started our relationship in early 1970 and it lasted for about a year or a bit more. We both worked for the same employer which was how we met. After we "split" (it was amicable because we lived so far apart), we both remained with the same government department but went our separate ways and never worked together again. We kept in touch occasionally and even attended another colleague's wedding in far northern NSW in 1974. As far as I can recollect, the last time we met was in passing whilst walking to work in the late 70's.

    Recently, I became aware that she had passed away in 1980. She was only 26. I know precious little about her life after we separated, but from a very brief mention on a website, I have ascertained her date of death, the fact that she married and had two children. I have also been able to ascertain the names of those two children and her husband's name.

    I now find that I seriously want to know what happened to her to have died so young but the gap of 36 years makes it difficult to work out where to search. I've tried the usual national searches against all the known family names in white pages, genealogy sites on the web (being limited here because they all want membership fees and I'd only use the site for this search) and even tried Facebook, where I've had one possible hit on her husband. (As soon as I can get my wife's Facebook access without her knowing, I'll try to go in and see if it's the husband, then take it from there if it is.)

    Can anybody suggest other avenues I can legitimately try to contact family members after such a long time? Most of her siblings were girls and have obviously married, and even searching under anticipated married names has come up zip.
     
  2. mpower

    mpower Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,894
    Likes Received:
    49
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2007
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Members Ride:
    V2 CV8 Monaro and VXII Clubsport
    1. Tell wifey what you are doing.

    2. Keep plugging along with the Facebooks, it's usually the best for this type of thing.
     
  3. dgp

    dgp Active Member

    Messages:
    845
    Likes Received:
    98
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2011
    Location:
    Warrnambool
    Members Ride:
    VF II SSV Redline
    I think you need to consider how her husband might feel being contacted by you, being in a former relationship and all.
     
  4. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    I've thought long and hard about that one. It would be a very difficult thing to do and I'd prefer to use official channels to obtain the info, but privacy laws seem to prevent it. Our relationship was finished a number of years before she met the other fellow - there was no overlap at all. But even if I DO find him, any approach will have to be very tactful and might be in writing rather than a phone call out of the blue.

    @mpower. Really no need to tell her - I'm only going to access one person's Facebook page to see if there is info on there which confirms he's the ex-husband. I can tell you there is NO way my other half would understand WHY I would want to make these inquiries. (TBH, I don't think I understand it either. It's just been a shock to learn she passed away so young. She was always vibrant and healthy during the time I knew her).
     
  5. Tatiana

    Tatiana Russian Gymnast Staff Member

    Messages:
    2,398
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2003
    Location:
    Land of the free
    Members Ride:
    Bought a jeep
    Could one of us look up the info for you rather than risk the wife finding out?
     
  6. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    It's a nice offer Tatiana and thank you, but I'd need to provide a bit too much personal info via the web. Out of respect for them I think I need to keep it to myself. Also, I'm not familiar with the sort and amount of info that Facebook members provide, but I'd be looking for the names of children and perhaps even old photos to "clinch the deal". Even though she passed away long before the internet arrived, perhaps her husband has posted old pics. It's a long shot but I can't think of anything else - hence this thread.

    Edit: Actually, another option has just occurred to me. My daughter uses Facebook and has a far more open and understanding attitude to sentiment. (I am a terrible sentimentalist whereas my wife has little time for dwelling on the past.) The daughter also knows about my former girlfriend and the fact that I am a bit distressed at the news of her passing, even though it was half a lifetime ago. I am sure she would assist without letting her mother know. (As an aside, my wife's former fiance - done and dusted years before we met too - was drowned in a boating accident at Bathurst last year. It was in the news and his name was given. We checked and it was the ex-fiance. Wife's reaction? Meh.) Cant understand how you can have a relationship that goes as far as engagement, then care so little when you hear they have died, even years later, but that's her.

    Still open to other suggestions, though.
     
  7. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

    Messages:
    3,083
    Likes Received:
    203
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2007
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Members Ride:
    VE II SV6 MY12 SPORTWAGON
    have to agree.
     
  8. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

    Messages:
    3,083
    Likes Received:
    203
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2007
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Members Ride:
    VE II SV6 MY12 SPORTWAGON
    Spot on.............
     
  9. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

    Messages:
    3,083
    Likes Received:
    203
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2007
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Members Ride:
    VE II SV6 MY12 SPORTWAGON
    sorry Calaber posted before your updates
     
  10. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    That's ok mate. I hope the reasons for taking this course of action are understandable.
     
  11. uniacidz

    uniacidz Harden the Frak Up

    Messages:
    1,921
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2011
    Location:
    Sideneee
    Members Ride:
    VX SS 5.7L
    I personally would try facebook otherwise a detective, ancestory.com etc perhaps

    However and a big however
    Chasing up a ex dead girlfriends family is strange and odd

    As harsh as it is, what can be accomplished from it?

    1. There's the fact you doing it behind the wife's knowledge.
    2. There's the husband also and family involved too.

    I honestly see no positive in it

    They would have moved on, and whilst death.is never great, think you have to love what you loved with her and keep those memories to heart and leave it at that

    Please really have a good think about this.
     
  12. SavVYute

    SavVYute Active Member

    Messages:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2009
    Location:
    Townsville
    Members Ride:
    VY S V6 Ute Series II 2004
    Tried 'Trove' website Calaber? The digitised newspaper section might have the actual funeral notice with a lot of the information.
     
  13. Jecs

    Jecs PAVTEK Race Engines Staff Member

    Messages:
    1,121
    Likes Received:
    130
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2005
    Location:
    Geelong
    Members Ride:
    '97 Caprice 355ci & VZ SS Ute
    damn, this story has got me super curious to find out what happen after you two went your separate ways.

    bit rude of me asking, but keen to find out more info once you discover.


    have you considered creating a fake facebook account? (unreleated: ive never had facebook, so unaware how to do create one - but have heard of men/women using a fake account to access tinder)

    I believe if you wrote a letter to the husband, and explained you two were work colleagues with a special bond, and after finding out she had passed, it has left you distraught.

    i know if that was me and i read a letter along the lines of that, id happily invite you into my house for a drink.
     
  14. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    Believe me, I know that it's an unusual thing to do, but I imagine I'm not alone with this sort of conundrum. If I'd known about it earlier, it would have been easier and less intrusive to make those inquiries. I guess I'm hoping that time heals all wounds" (Just wish to hell it would heal mine).

    I like your line about loving what you loved and keeping those memories to heart. I think perhaps I'm trying to assuage some deep guilt about never having known and paying my respects at the time. I DO feel badly about that.

    But yes, any inquiries will be very succinct and if I do trace the family, that's when I stop and think hard about the next step. Good advice.
     
  15. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    Jecs

    You have nailed it with your comment. Those were precisely the details I proposed in the letter to cause the least disrespect or distress. I know it can be done tactfully and tastefully and also know I have the ability to write such a letter. If this thing ever advances, I might post the outcome, leaving personal details out of course.
     
  16. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    Yep. No go.
     
  17. CoffeeMonster

    CoffeeMonster Member

    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Location:
    Brisbane
    Members Ride:
    VX II Exec/VE II SSV-Z
    did you try contacting her old school friends from back then? she must have had some sort of BFF you were aware of.
     
  18. Calaber

    Calaber Nil Bastardo Carborundum

    Messages:
    3,286
    Likes Received:
    159
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Location:
    Lower Hunter Region NSW
    Members Ride:
    CG Captiva 5 Series 2
    No. Good suggestion but we met at work. She never mentioned any friends that I can recall and its over forty years ago. Even if she had mentioned them, I couldn't recall the names after such a long time.
     
  19. Hertz Donut

    Hertz Donut Member

    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2014
    Location:
    NZ
    Members Ride:
    Beastmode VS Equipe
    Whatever you do, I'd ditch any thought of mentioning being in a relationship with her. Consider her a good friend from the past, nothing more. Seems to me you were about 16-18 years old back then, correct? Youthful flings were fun (from memory...) but I reckon none of them were ever as deep and meaningful as we romanticise they were.

    I've lost a few friends over the years, some closer than others. I had a good friend commit suicide 3 years ago, a couple of years after I'd lost touch with her, and I felt a lot of grief about that. Part of me wants to know how and why she did it (although I can kind of guess why) and I know a few mutual friends probably know this, but after some thought I decided that how she ended her life was far less important than how she had lived it. I prefer to remember her as the vivacious, friendly, intelligent, beautiful woman she was rather than knowing how the fullstop was put on her life story.

    Feel free to ignore me, just something to think about.

    Good luck.
     
  20. Not_An_Abba_Fan

    Not_An_Abba_Fan Exhaust Guru

    Messages:
    13,337
    Likes Received:
    162
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Location:
    Bunbury, WA
    Members Ride:
    Prado
    I don't find it strange at all. People are social creatures and one can't bury ones head in the sand and pretend that you were your wife's first relationship. Her husband knows she had previous relationships so contact after such a long time, and particularly because she has died, isn't so intrusive or bad form at all. If she was still around and they were still happily married and then you decided to contact her, that would be concerning.

    Can you find any of your former colleagues and see if they may know the what's, where's and when's?
     

Share This Page