thanks everyone - it has been a very sad time in my life - sailing along nicely and then the doctor rings and says he wants to see me - that my PSA level was 4 times normal! So I make the appointment not having a clue what he was talking about.
It soon sat me back on my bum! The PSA blood test is zero to 2.1 normal, up to 4 is Ok, but 4 - 6 is watch zone, 6 - 8 red zone and 8 - 10 is most likely cancer and I had a reading of 8.06. he says 50% chance of cancer as I had no water works symptoms at all. So I have the test repeated and a the next week it's still at 7.89. Better - but still in the red zone. Only option is a biopsy of the prostate - and what fun that is - NOT. So the day arrives and I see the doctor to hear the words you have cancer. It's small and slow growing type and very treatable - very good survival rate. They give you a big book to read and send you on your way to look over the treatment options.
The book is full of horror stories of erectile dysfunction, loss of bladder control (in nappies for up to a year), bleeding, trouble in all areas. Those that have it out face a 50% chance of nothing working again. So some do OK. If you don't have it out (to keep the sex going) face the prospect of the cancer spreading to other parts of the body, so the active watching and testing goes on every year and then every 3 months until you have it out. If you just have chemo and radiation treatment you have scaring and the prospect of it returning within a few years. The book has many case studies for you to look over and none end well.
The average life span form diagnosis is 8 years, if you unlucky less. So very treatable - but there is nothing in the book that readies you for the emotional head #### that settles into your life.
We need to make choices and fast.
I did not do so well and slipped into a very depressed state unable to function in any normal way. This was so strange for me as normally my life was full on all the time - always doing stuff and working. But I found my self in a dark place every day getting worse.
I was told I need pills to make me function. But I soon found out that it was others in my life that was not making my days any easier. So of the head doctors to be told I have most of the autistic traits and this will never change.
So after 30 years of marriage (to the same woman) I had to leave - I remember the past as yesterday with feelings of hurt that can not be undone. There was never going to be a way to "fix" me anytime soon. Pills were probably the way to go - but I chose not to.
I have opted for a place of normal - a benign existence for a while and my dad's place is it. So far I've bee here for 4 weeks and already making good progress. But to be effective I need to let go of all the things I have. This sadly includes the clusters and looms, and here.
The sadness returns as I type this but it must be done. It's a very public thing to do - but I feel that it's the only way I can move on with my life - what time I have left.
So as hard as it is to do - it is time.
I've loved my time on here - solving problems and helping people. In fact it's probably the only thing I'm proud of after my fabulous 3 kids. All 3 have turned out way smarter than me
So many people to thank - but I can not name some and not others - so you know who you are - the people that have helped me over the years keeping the VN wagon on the road - it was returned form death row 3 or 4 times over the 425,000kms.
Over the next 2 months I will sell everything I own and start again some place - a visit to the states is the headline act for the bucket list. I have friends from 35 years ago wiling to put me up, a brother that wants me to find a yank tank for him, so good reasons to go.
When I get back it's treatment time and have to make a choice on what sort of life I want - 4 or 5 years of wild time lol or a longer less active life (if you know what I mean)
So this is it - the plan for now. sell up and fly away for a while.
I'm thinking of offering the clusters and looms as a bulk lot - will think about this tomorrow. Probably not worth all that much - but don't know if I want to make 100 boxes to send them off one at a time. I don't have the energy any more. Drained for now.
