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Sensitivity Training Needed 1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. 2. The wife suggested I get myself...

QUICKIES Low Battery A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as ‘Low Battery’. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal. Government Survey A government survey has shown that 91 percent of...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes...

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel ---------------- Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel...

Replace the red with black and I want one...

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet … “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going...

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are...

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"...

ALL men are honest EVEN when they lie..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If female, and reading this article then just realise the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it! "One day...

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now! Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost...

When chemists die, they barium. > Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. > I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. > How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. > I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. > This girl said she...

Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK...

COSMIC LAWS Truer words were never spoken. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and...

To all my email friends , As we progress through the year, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put...

I saw this on an Eaglehawk Pub TWO COARSE MEALS $10 Subject: FW: English, The Universal Language Its hilarious!!!!! Wonderful English from Around the World In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS...

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude...

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030 *Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world “Little India” formerly known as Australia. *Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie. *White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia’s...

Re- Non offensive holiday greeting. Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to friends and family, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my Solicitor yesterday and I wish to...

Night Before Christmas in Aussie land 'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound. Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around. We'd left on the table some tucker and beer, Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here; We children were snuggled up safe in our beds...

If anyone who has tried to organise a staff xmas party they will appreciate this Subject: Christmas Party FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 15th November RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company...

Puns for Educated Minds 1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her...

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the...

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of...

NO Speak English An Italian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day...

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer. --------------------------------------------------------------- DR. PHIL - HELP Dear Phil I left home for work last week and...

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 3. Paddy says...

You cut off his balls, what is it now? Still no f***ing idea

: How the Internet Started In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said...

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know! Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. -- ------------ --------- -------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. --------- --------- --------- ---- Coca-Cola was originally...

OLD BUT GOLD Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. 1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A...

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.” My new wig arrived the other day. It’s made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing...

Subject: From Thomas Cook Holidays OMG, where do they come from????? This is a listing some guest's complaints received about Thomas Cook tours; 1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 2...

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off Moreton Island. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of Redcliffe policemen, the old Sarge and...

Bloke was telling me he saw a VT with a parcel shelf fitted below the glove box. Any body seen or know where these might be available? I have not seen one but they would be handy for a street directory ect.

^^^^ Agree 100%... dont like it? beat it

The Philosophy of Ambiguity FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET...

Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release). ---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman...

Give birth to a little brown baby

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor A chicken crossing the road is poultry in...