An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.' 'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
what do you call an arab flying a plane??? (answer most will give: terrorist?) (real answer)a pilot you racist bastard!
National Health Warning!!! U will never be affected by human swine flu....research shows it effects the throat and nose.....it leaves arseholes alone!!!! lol!
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Win Free Sex with Fill-Up!' A local blond redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The blond redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex this time.' A week later, the same blond redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The blond redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, the blond redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Bubba replied,' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!'
Yet another cow joke 2 cows sitting in a paddock eating grass, first cow says to second cow, "what do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing", second cow looks at him and says, "how the f**k would i know, i'm a helicopter!!!!!
The Balloon family went camping. After erecting the tents and having a nice dinner, Daddy Balloon and Mummy Balloon settled down for the night, leaving their son Billy Balloon to finish up the dishes. When it came time to sleep, Billy realised it was a very tight uncomfortable squeeze between Mummy and Daddy. So he undid Daddy's knot and let out some air. He tried again to get between his parents but it was still too squeezy. So he let a bit of air out of Mummy. Nope, still a bit tight, so he let some air out of him self and found he was able to snuggle perfectly between his parents and had a wonderful sleep. He woke the next morning with his father standing over him. "Son" his father said "you have let me down, you have let your Mother down and you have let yourself down."
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students at the University of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."!!
How do you make a sculpture of an elephant? Get a big block of marble and chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant
THE GHOST **** The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** on the toilet paper, but there's no **** in the bowl. THE CLEAN **** The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** in the bowl, but there's no **** on the toilet paper. THE WET **** You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE **** This **** happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to **** some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE **** Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead ****". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN **** No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG **** The kind of **** that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIUS DRINKER **** The kind of **** you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD ****" **** The kind where you want to ****, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS **** Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID **** That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD **** A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This **** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This **** occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This **** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS **** A **** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK **** This **** has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" **** This is any **** created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A **** so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this **** has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A **** which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM **** This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO **** Now you see it, now you don't. This **** is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A **** that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to **** (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny **** which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC **** This **** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's ****. THE BACK-TO-NATURE **** This **** may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN **** An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T ****. PREMEDITATED **** Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL **** Also known as a "Still Going" ****. THE POWER DUMP **** The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER **** This kind of **** is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log ****.) THE SPINAL TAP **** The kind of **** that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" **** Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE **** The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (B) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" **** When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" **** When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" **** Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "TURTLE HEAD" **** No pushing required the **** does all the work, youve just gotta find a depository.......fast. THE "WAITING FOR A CALL" **** Youve got a very important phone call coming, but just cant hold it, and low and behold you have to break off a great looking turd, suck the first half back in as you run down the hall, trying to find the phone
