A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl to jump in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half a block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ****ed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking.. Scared the **** out of me! So that's it! After today, no more reading.
a little black kid walks home from school and goes to see his mum making a cake he dips his head in flour and goes look mummy Im a white boy. She slaps him in the head and goes show your father what you just did so he walks into the lounge room and says look daddy im a white boy his dad slaps him across the head and says go tell your grandpa what you did so the little kid walks into see his grandpa and says look grandpa im a white boy. the kids grandpa sighs and slaps him over the head, his mum, dad and grandpa sit him down after all this and ask him now son have you learnt anything from this? He replies ' I sure have, Ive only been white for 5 minutes and hate you black ****s already'
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
Q What's wet and clammy? A A clam A crow walks into a bar, he says "ouch!" - it was a crow bar. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says " ok boys, the Erics are on me!" A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The highballs are on me!" A horse walks into a bar. The barman says: " Hey, why the long face?" A cricket team is a man short; a horse grazing nearby says " Let me field so I can eat some of that grass." So they let him field and he takes 3 catches and throws a runout. So they put him in to bowl, and he dismisses the rest of the opposition in short order. Next innings, they ask him to bat. He says "Don't be stupid; horses can't bat!" Q What do you call 2 guys above a window? A Kurt 'n' Rod Q Why does a duckling walk softly? A 'cos it can't walk hardly. Q What's got a bottom at the top? A A leg Q When the boy threw the clock out the window, did it stop when it hit the footpath? A Yeah, it couldn't go right through. An acronym: LOMBARD - Lots of money but a real ********. A definition: extractor fan - someone no longer interested in farm machinery.
The other day this hot blonde says to me "what do u prefer, legs or breasts?" i replied "i actually prefer shaved pussy and anal, why?" Apparently this isnt an acceptable answer in the KFC drive thru....
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work. 'The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. 'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
Why did the elephant paint his nuts and toes red? To hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See how good it works. Whats the loudest sound in the jungle? A giraffe eating cherries. Whats red and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise. good jokes everyone
Why couldn't the baby get out the doorway? Because it had a javelin through its head. Maori statue to the cat: Statue bro! Cat: Nah its meow! There's a Aussie, an Kiwi and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. He is thinking "That the Kiwi must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Kiwi instead and got slapped." The Kiwi is thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that bloody Aussie in the head again."
just got caught reading this at work, laughed so hard i nearly fell off the chair! HAHAHAHAHAHHA :bow::w00t::yeah:
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs down the toilet? To feed the toilet duck. What's the difference between gay sex and a microwave oven? A microwave won't brown your meat
two men are having a round of golf and are finding that the pair of women in front of them are holding them up at every hole. one bloke turns to the other and says "I'll go and ask them if we can play through". he returns quickly coverign his face and says "bloody hell, thats my wife and my mistress. you better go and ask." So the second guy leaves and returns and comes back in a similar fashion saying "small world eh?"
