How do you get a one armed Irish Man out of a tree? You wave to him. How to you catch a unique chicken? Unique up behind him. How to you catch a tame one? The tame way. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper. A Blonde was on her way to work one day when she saw a wounded rabbit on the side of the road. She stopped to see if she could help it. So she looked through her handbag for anything. Upon finding some lotion she smeared it all over the bunny and then continued her way to work. The next day on her way to work again she saw the rabbit waving to her and smiled. The day after that the same thing happened. This happened for a week before she decided to look in her handbag for the lotion she applied to the rabbit. It read "permanent wave for damaged hair". A woman and her newborn child are on a train. A man walks past and says to her "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen". This brings her to tears. Another man walks past and asks her what is wrong? She says "that man just insulted me". So the man says to the woman "You can and sort him out love, while I hold your monkey".
Oi mate that's funny as bro, funny AS! How do you know if you're neighbour is a kiwi? He goes out with sheep.
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home
Two couples were walking by a river oneday. They came to a bridge and the women wanted to cross to the other side. So the two men decided to have a swimming contest. Once the women were across, the men started their race. One decided to cheer her man on, so she lifted her top and yelled out "C'mon!! If you win you get to play with these!" Her man saw this and began to swim faster. The other woman saw this and decided to do the same, lifting her top and calling out "Beat him Baby and these are yours!" Her man saw this but he was slowing down. The first woman kept cheering her man on, who was getting a lead by now. The second woman tried a last ditch attempt, so she turned around, lifted her skirt and presented herself as provocative as she could screaming "Kick his sorry ass Baby and you get AAAAALL THIS!!!!!" But just as before he swam slower still, and lost. As the winning couple basked in their victory the loser's girlfriend stormed to the shore, and promptly slapped her man in the face as he got out of the water. "What the F••• is wrong with you!? Don't you find me attractive anymore!?!?!?" "Im sorry sweety!" her man exclaimed "But you had me dragging the weeds!"
why does dr. pepper come in a bottle? coz his wife is dead!!! what did the boy get for xmas? AIDS why is a russian woman like an ice hockey player? they dont change thier pads until after 3 peroids!! hope i didnt offend too many people
man i was looking at these jokes and some are so terible but your fist one was so stupid it made me laugh straight after reading it.
An Asian woman goes in to her bank's local branch and begins exchanging her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?' The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'. The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'
one man turns to his friend and says, hey ive got a joke for you, he says 'how do you fit 10000 jews in a car, put them in the ashtray and starts laughing', his friend was sitting there not finding this funny at all, then says, 'thats absolutely terrible, my grandfather died in the holocaust,' he pauses and then says 'yeah he fell off his guard tower'
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.' A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
These were posted on an Australian tourism forum and the answers are the actual responses from the Aussie forum users... Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross... come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.... come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, friendly and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. Human urine should be used as a repellent before going out walking. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay night clubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. --- <Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face. 13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you" I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' Well, it Worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well , that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful! The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back. He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back..' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife '
lol ^^^ A blonde teaching scuba diving is asked why we fall backwards off the boat..? She replies if ya fell forward ya still be on the ****ing boat ya dumb ****!
Eskimo is on holiday in NZ his car breaks down, a kiwi looks under bonnet, says "you've blown a seal". Eskimo says "... So what - you F**k sheep...
