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Jul 28, 2005
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Subject: Confessions...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,

but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're

not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's

and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked

over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love

to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into

a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children,

grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls

who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them

three times."

Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

Pope Benedict XVI was not the Cardinal's first pick as Pope. They wanted

Cardinal Secola from Brazil.

Problem was that they didn't want to deal with the world calling him 'Pope Secola'.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young

girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm

90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say

that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."