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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

    One woman lost it completely.

    She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

    For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

    He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

    She gasped...

    Then, he spoke...

    'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round
    table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size
    from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
    island, but it turned out to be an optical
    Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved
    her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from
    algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
    disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
    it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and
    was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
    would result in Linoleum Blownapart

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
    tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp
    wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
    banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
    hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay
    here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
    bigger. Then it hit me

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
    said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
    prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
    pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
    In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
    taste for religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd
    be in Seine.

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
    dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and
    says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
    per passenger.'

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One
    turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
    so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
    it sank, proving once again that you can't have
    your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've
    lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you
    sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
    Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
    transcend dental medication.

    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the
    puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Went to the gym the other day. Had my workout and decided to have an energy drink in the gym cafe. while i was sitting there an extremely fat young woman sat down beside me, puffing an blowing. She ordered her meal and turned to me and said "excuse me, I wonder if you could help me" I turned towards her and asked what the problem was. Well she said, I have been coming to this gym for 3 months now and haven't lost an ounce yet. I have diligently followed the instructors advice and I just wondered if you might have any helpful suggestions. So I said to her have you tried skipping. What skipping like boxers do she said. No. I said meals you fat b.....d
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.
    2. When someone tells you that you're beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying.
    3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.
    4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.
    5. You should DEFINITELY have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way that others see you, you would.
    6. Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.
    7. It's okay to not love every part of your body...but you should.
    8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.
    9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.
    10. You're a woman. And that alone makes you pretty damn remarkable.
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
    Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
    He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
    Astonished, I got back into bed.
    My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
    "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That swine next door has still got my bloody shovel."
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    An Octopus goes into a bar and says:

    "I can play any musical instrument going!"

    Someone gives him a guitar and he starts to play like Jimi Hendrix.

    The bartender motions to the piano, which he sits in front of and promptly starts playing, better than Elton John.

    A Scotsman tosses him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes.

    The Scotsman says "what's wrong...can ye' not play it?"

    The Octopus says:

    "Play it!?! I'm gonna' screw her brains out once I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
     
  8. Tonner Matt

    Tonner Matt Well-Known Member

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    Pissing myself laughing.gif
     
  9. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    muslim-jihadi-boom-kill-you.gif
     
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  10. Tonner Matt

    Tonner Matt Well-Known Member

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    Lookout now.....
    We've gone and upset "Achmed The Dead Terrorist"
     
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  11. commodore665

    commodore665 expat Saffa

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    funny thing is , when I grow a beard , I look like Osama bin Laden's younger brother ,
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
    "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
    "You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
    "Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
    "Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
    He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
    The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
    "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
    Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
    The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
    The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!
     
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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  14. VS_Pete

    VS_Pete Donating Member

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    not working
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
    When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
    The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
    When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
    The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum..
     
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  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    I've Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, survived many armed patrols and, erm spirited exchanges in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash that left his bike a mangled piece of scrap iron.
    At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him. He couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes taking life preserving fluids and oxygen to him, so I moved closer as he pointed to his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write it down. He nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you it's all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail. He now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with a heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.
    I got to the car without breaking down and as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from my recently deceased mate. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the dashboard. It just looked like gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.
    I'm now home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me. It might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words; it just appears to be a jumble of letters.
    I've decided to share it on Geekbook to see if anyone can decipher it. I've never been any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety. (I'm not sure whether he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil)
    It says: 'GETOFFMY****INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFAT****'
     
  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
    "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
    terrible about it."
    "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
    "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
    it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
    was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
    "Is that when you swore?"
    "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
    the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
    away."
    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
    "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
    "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
    "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
    , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
    "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
    "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
    sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
    The two nuns were silent for a moment.
    Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the *******
    putt, didn't you?"
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The
    certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation.
    The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
    medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

    The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

    With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, " This is powerful
    medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
    '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

    The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

    The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home,
    showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3 !" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes… And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
    preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle
     
  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing’.

    ‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

    They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

    ‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment……

    ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…

    Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the Cage with Francis and Simon. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…. that phrase… in no time…’

    ‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s The house…..

    As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…

    Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

    After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

    There was stunned silence…

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
     

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