Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Alabama vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling this ****, he wouldn't even fuckin' try!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Bought an old Morris 1100 at a car auction yesterday and immediately set about giving it a good old scrub and polish.
I was just giving it a final coat of wax when the police arrived and arrested me on the spot.
Apparently I'm being charged with grooming a Minor.

 

[Skydrol]

I thought you were going to get charged for polishing a turd.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbor decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Australian customs.'
'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Australian, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Deserted Island Two Kiwis, two Aussies, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island. The two Aussies got together and started a bank; the two Welshmen got together and started a choir; the two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Kiwis never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17.
However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18.
This means you can shoot somebody , but have to wait a year before you can frighten the **** out of a cat!”