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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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The cheapest way to surprise the missus is to walk in the door and drop a big fart in front of her. Because whether it’s a big juicy fart or a dozen red roses she’s going to say “AAAWWW! You shouldn’t have done that!”……It’s just the tone of voice that may vary.
 

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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 

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A BOXING DAY POO. You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared, you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared! That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog! But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain, you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain. But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth. And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer, a turd the size of King Kongs arm emerges from your rear. And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood, and making room inside your guts for lots more christmas food!!
 

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Got let out of prison today.
The warden turned and asked "Can you take any positives from your time in here?"
I smiled "Yeah actually, the wife can't ever call me a tight arsed bastard again"
 

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Definition of an optimist?
An English batsman coming to the crease with sunscreen on!
 

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I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
 

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Paddy was driving home one afternoon when he slightly bumped the car in front of him at some traffic lights. As he got out the car to speak to the driver, he glanced at the car and felt sure the person in the back was dead. "What made you think that he was dead?" Asked Mick
"He was in a feckin' coffin." Replied Paddy.
 

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A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,

while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie !"
 

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the Darts Team hadn't!
 

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A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.... A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account....
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,
"You'll f**k her again!"
 
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