Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
A young man, quite well endowed wanted to join a nudist group but realized he was suntanned all over except for his willy, so he decided to go to the beach to get the perfect tan.
On arrival he dug a trench, lay down, then covered himself with sand and just left his willy sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking the beach and stopped to stare at what they saw.
"Will you look at that" one said to the other.
"When I was 18 I was curious"
"When I was 25 I wanted it and that went on through my 40"s"
"When I was 60 I still thought it was worth the trouble"
"Here I am at 80, the bloody things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat"