Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record
I said I didn't realize you still needed one

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says

“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,

“Do I have to take them every day?”

No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,

“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….

NAME:
Adam Landon Jones (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20kg.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
————————–————————–————————–————————
After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

 

[rambunctious]

No Maveric today so just have to do with this

Husband: When I get mad at you , you never fight back. How do you control your anger ?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help ?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his mum and dad in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is where me and the milkman usually get thrown off!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

When the wife hooked up with me, she expected the 3 S's:

Sensitivity, Sincerity and Sharing...

What she really ended up with were the 3 B's:

Burps, Body odour and Beer Breath..!

 

[rambunctious]

Smart Indian Dumb White Guy

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his material wealth.
You've seen his progress and the damage he has done.

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued , "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong.

The chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man was free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve on a system like that"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I’m not saying I get distracted but.....

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I walk toward the car,
I notice bills on the table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the bin under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the dirt first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
so I go inside the house to my desk where
the computer is and I find the bottle of water I’d been drinking.
To get the keyboard first I need to push the water aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The water is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the water bottle,
I see a vase of flowers on the counter
they need water.
I put the water on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some paper towels and wipe up the water
Then, I head down the passage trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm bottle of water sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all flipping day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

 

[Mavericks Choice]

No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2 year old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental.
Yelling and screaming something about her being to young for power tools..

 

[rambunctious]

Today we went to breakfast at a restaurant where the seniors special was two eggs, hash browns,bacon, and toast for $6.00

"Sounds good" said my wife, "but I don't want the eggs" she told the waitress.

"Then I will have to charge you an extra $3 because you are ordering a-la-carte" the waitress warned her.

"You mean I pay more for not taking the eggs" asked my wife incredulously.

"That is correct" said the waitress.

"OK said my wife, then I will have the special"

"How do you want your eggs" asked the waitress.

"Raw and in the shell" my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

Don't mess with seniors, you won't win.