Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Paddy Came Home Late
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Wrong Number
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice..
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

 

[rambunctious]

A first grade teacher, Ms Neelam, was having trouble with one of her students and asked the boy what the problem was.
Boy answered, I am too smart for first grade, my sister is in third grade and I am smarter than her. I think I should be in third grade too.
Ms Neelam had enough. She took the boy to the principals office and while the boy waited outside, the teacher explained the problem to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy and told the teacher if he failed then he would go back to first grade and be told to behave.
The boy was bought in and the conditions explained to which he agreed.
The principals first question was what is 3x3 ?
Boy. 9
Principal. what is 6x6 ? Boy 36
And so it went on and on the principal asking questions which a third grader should know until finally the principal told the teacher the boy was in fact quite good.
Ms Neelam says to the principal, I have some questions, may I ask them, to which the principal and the boy agreed.
Ms Neelam asks, what does a cow have four of and I have only two of..
Boy, after a moment, legs.
Ms Neelam, what is in your pants that you have but I don't have.
Boy. pockets
Ms Neelam, what starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval,delicious,and contains whitish liquid.
Boy, coconut.
Ms Neelam, what goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky.
The principals eyes opened wide but before he could intervene, the boy answered bubblegum
The kid was obviously in charge.
Ms Neelam, what does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs.The principal was by this time getting very concerned.
Shake hands, answered the boy.
Ms Neelam ,now I will ask some who am I questions.
Ms Neelam, you stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy. tent
Ms Neelam, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first
The principal was really restless and swallowed a valium.
Wedding ring answered the boy.
Ms Neelam, I come in many sizes, when I am not well I drip. When you blow me you feel good.
Boy, nose.
Ms Neelam, I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy, arrow.
Ms Neelam, what word starts wit F ends with K that means a lot of heat.
Boy, firetruck.
Ms Neelam, what word starts with F ends with K and if you don't get it have to use your hand.
Boy, fork
Ms Neelam, what is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife.
Boy. surname
Now the principal is getting really concerned.
Ms Neelam, what part of a man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love.
Boy. heart
The principle breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, send the boy to college, I got the last ten questions wrong.

 

[Skydrol]

l

 

[keith reed]

Dear Australia.

I know we sent you our undesirables but sending us Tony Abbott is just spiteful.

Regards UK

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses for my wife. "I'm sorry, sir," said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them." "No problem," I replied. "That's more than enough."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

ADOPT A VICTORIAN! To all my friends in other states, please help. Rescue a struggling Victorian and take them home to your state.

When adopting, each Victorian will undergo a covid test before release. These tests are 97% accurate, and given that just 1872 of the 6.4m Victorians have the virus, there is only a 0.00088% chance your adoptee is infected. In fact, you’re 10x more likely to be hit by lightning this year.

Your Victorian adoptee will bring a range of benefits to you and your state including but not limited to:
- Sourdough baking skills
- Homeschooling skills in case your child needs extra tutoring at home
- Netflix recommendations since we’ve spent many hours watching everything
- Home personal training services since we are now all our own trainers
- Gratitude partners since we will be so damn appreciative of every freedom

And of course our tourism dollars to help your economy rebound (since ours is a complete write off). We will happily eat out every meal, shop at every retail store, go for weekends away to support regional areas, host dinner parties, and any other fun, social thing you can imagine.
.
Please, rescue a Victorian. We need your help.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I got the sack from P.C world today a chap came in an asked what's the best way of finding his ancestors? ???
A shovel was probably not the right answer !

 

[Tatiana]

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey…........... and coke.”
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged "I'm not sure, I was born with them."