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Joke of the Day

UTE042_NZ

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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey…........... and coke.”
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
Tatiana, the Mother of all dad jokes.
 

Mavericks Choice

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A kid walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job:
The owner says. "you think you'd make a good salesman?"
The Kid says. "I don't know. I think so."
Owner says. "I'll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!"
A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says. "Can I help you?"
The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a bag of grass seed."
"No problem." Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"
"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.
"Yeah." Says the owner. "You plant that grass seed, you're gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawn mower too."
The customer thinks it's a great idea and agrees. The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawn mower and the customer leaves.
The owner turns to the kid and says. "See that? That's selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawn mower too! You think you can do that?"
The kid says. "Yeah i can do that."
So the owner says. "Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I'll just stand here quietly and watch. We'll see how you do."
A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in.
The kid says. "Can I help you?"
The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife."
"No problem." Says the kid as he reaches for the box of Tampax. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"
"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.
"Yeah." Says the kid. "You're not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!"
 

Mavericks Choice

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I love my job as an anesthetist.
Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly.
 

Mavericks Choice

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.

Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"
 

Mavericks Choice

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A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" as she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..
 

Mavericks Choice

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Sean flew out of town for a few days to attend his buddies funeral. Upon return, he wasn't quite ready to go home yet. Instead, he told his cab driver to take him someplace where he could get some action. The cab driver took him to his house!!
 

Tatiana

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I was watching Jurassic park the other day when I thought, "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he’s also a terrible driver".
 

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A rather large lady was sat down and noticed there were 3 old ladies standing she turned to a man sat near her and says "if you were a gentleman you would get up and let one of those ladies sit down" the man replies "if, you were a lady you'd get up and let all 3 of them sit down, you fat bitch!!''.
 

Mavericks Choice

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Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
 
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