A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
It’s with great sadness I have to inform all my family n friends that in the early hours of this morning my much loved turkey has passed away.
Due to the coronavirus situation the funeral will be at mine around 12.30 /1pm on the 25 December .
As we have a limit of 30 at present including the turkey please let me know ASAP who will be attending. Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply.
No flowers please if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and aunt bessie’s Yorkshire puddings will do .
Please note starters and puddings are already sorted. Also some alcohol will be greatly appreciated!
I took a scenic flight over Liverpool yesterday it was my first time in an aeroplane.
And we were heading towards New Brighton when the pilot had a heart attack and died.
So I got on the radio and told someone that the pilot was dead and he asked me what was happening with the plane?
I said we are flying towards New Brighton and it's my first time in a plane and its flying upside down.
He said if it's your first time in a plane how do you know it's upside down?
I said because the **** is coming out of my collar!!!
A bloke from India has moved in next door to me, he say`s he`s has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears, climbed the highest mountains and eats vindaloo. It comes as no surprise he`s name is Bin dair Dundat!!
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs ..I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear off
I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a fucing bus!!.