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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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I was walking by the river bank the other day, when an angler caught my eye.
I wonder how much compensation I'll get...
 

UTE042_NZ

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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

.....................................................................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
 

Mavericks Choice

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If you know someone who will be lonely this Christmas, having their Christmas Dinner alone, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs!!.
 

Mavericks Choice

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Every time I took a girl home to meet mum she made it very clear she thought the girl wasn’t good enough for me
Sometimes it was the looks, sometimes the interests or sometimes even the sound of her voice.
She made dating very hard
One day I’d had enough and I thought, I’ll find a girl that looks like mum, shares the same interests and even sounds like her
Unbelievably against all odds the next day I found someone exactly like that and made them fall in love with me
So I took her home and guess what!
Dad fucin hates her
 

Mavericks Choice

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Donald Trump's doctor has now 'cleared' the hoarse coughing President to resume work and rallies. Dr. Conley obviously knows what he's talking about, as he also gave Stevie Wonder a clean bill of health to start driving lessons.
 

Mavericks Choice

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My heart is broken...from one moment to another things went from joy to pain and sadness. I still don’t get how a wonderful night ended in such a tragedy. Everything was so chill, so normal; we were all laughing, having fun, and suddenly everything changed I can’t stop crying. I wish this pain on no one...Nobody should go through this ... I can still hear my friend crying in panic “You're gonna drop it , hold it, hold it” I tried but I couldn't do anything ... I dropped our only bottle of red wine on the floor and I couldn't save it!..
 

Mavericks Choice

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Jesus applied for a job as a carpenter. The boss said “We have a job for you, one in Bury, one in Jerusalem.”
“I'll have the one in Bury.” said Jesus
“But the one in Jerusalem pays more.”
“I know” said Jesus, “but the last time I worked there they hammered me with tax”....
 

Mavericks Choice

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This is a very sad story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, of Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast.
Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.
Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. Gave him a little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.
 

Mavericks Choice

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No Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban.
The shepherds have been furloughed.
The Inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.
 

Mavericks Choice

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The nurse looked at the patient and said, "I've never seen this before. I'm bringing in the doctor." The doctor said, "I've never seen anything like this before. I'm showing you to the specialist." The specialist said, "My god, I've never seen the like!" "What is it, something serious?" asked the patient. "Not really, it's just that we've never treated a ginger in our STD clinic before."
 
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